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Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais
Tout ce qui a un rapport avec l'apprentissage de l'anglais: grammaire, orthographe, aides aux devoirs, phrases etc.

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Pour une simple correction si possible
Message de melvina posté le 22-03-2007 à 12:17:32 (S | E | F | I)

Bonjour à tous !

Je dois décrire l'évolution des comportements et des sentiments , d'un garçon (le narrateur) et d'un garçon autiste (Charley) tiré d'un texte bac de 2005 , anglais LV2 série L.
Je ne suis pas forte en anglais , c'est pour cela que j'ai besoin de vous afin de corriger mes erreurs, si possible, pour mieux progresser , du moins je l'espère,
j'ai ajouté des phrases en français entre parenthèses car je ne suis pas sûre de ma traduction en anglais.
J'espère que j'ai été compréhensible dans mes propos, merci d'avance.
Cordialement.

During their first meeting, a virtual barrier appeared because of the narrator's fear and the Charley's indifference, the autist. Indeed, the narrator's hand shook with fear whereas the autist seemed completely uninterested in anything the narrator had to say. But the main character realize that Charley was fear , but he showed it of different ways.
During the very night (durant la nuit même), the narrator tried to establish a dialogue, showing him how to take a shower but in vain. It was a real monologue , either grimace or particular sign.
It's after the second night (c'est au bout de la deuxième nuit) that things going to change. Indeed , it is the autist's laugh at the time of (au moment de ) its shower which will be the activate element for the rest (qui sera l'élement déclencheur pour la suite )
The two protagonists approach more and more and become like friends. Thanks to Charley , the narrator saw the world more simply (plus simplement)
In this way (ainsi) the narrator will keep a good memory.

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Modifié par melvina le 22-03-2007 12:18

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Modifié par melvina le 22-03-2007 12:20

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Modifié par whynot95 le 22-03-2007 12:39


Réponse: Pour une simple correction si possible de marlond, postée le 22-03-2007 à 21:52:33 (S | E)
During their first meeting, a virtual barrier appeared because of the narrator's fear and the Charley's indifference, the autist.
- you can’t call an autistic boy an ‘autist’ in English – you have to say ‘autistic boy’ or something like that. Also, you’ve ‘the autist’ should come immediately after the boy’s name, but this isn’t really possible with the apostrophe construction, so I’d say something like: ‘…the indifference of Charley, the autistic boy.’

Indeed, the narrator's hand shook with fear whereas the autist seemed completely uninterested in anything the narrator had to say.
-‘autist’ problem again – see above.

But the main character realize that Charley was fear , but he showed it of different ways.

-wrong conjugation of ‘realize’
-‘fear’ is a noun, not an adjective – the adjective is ‘fearful’ or ‘scared’.
-‘showed it IN different ways’ – revise translation of French ‘de’ into English. You always ‘do’ something ‘in’ a certain way.

During the very night (durant la nuit même), the narrator tried to establish a dialogue, showing him how to take a shower but in vain.
-‘during THAT very night’
-it’d be better to say ‘tried to establish a dialogue with the other boy’ or something similar.
-I’d put a comma before ‘but’

It was a real monologue , either grimace or particular sign.
-This doesn’t really make much sense

It's after the second night (c'est au bout de la deuxième nuit) that things going to change.

-Incorrect tenses of ‘it’s and ‘things are going to change’ – implies futurity whereas most of the text is in the past tense – these should also be in the past tense. (Note that the French ‘c’est’ can be translated as ‘it is’ and ‘it was’ depending on context.)

Indeed , it is the autist's laugh at the time of (au moment de ) its shower which will be the activate element for the rest (qui sera l'élement déclencheur pour la suite )
-Incorrect tense of ‘c’est’ again – see above.
-‘autist’ problem again – see above.
-‘its’ refers to an object, not a person
-‘au moment de’ – ‘at the time of’ is okay, or ‘while/when he was having/taking his shower’ or simply ‘during his shower’.
-‘which will be the activate element for the rest’ – the future tense sounds strange in English here – use the present.
-‘activate element’ - this isn’t right – simply ‘which is the trigger/starting point’
- ‘pour la suite’ – ‘for the rest’ makes sense technically, I suppose, but a better translation would be ‘for what follows’.

The two protagonists approach more and more and become like friends.

-‘approach’ needs an object – ‘approach each other’, maybe, but this still sounds unnatural – ‘get closer’, instead of ‘appraoch mre and more’ maybe?
‘become LIKE friends’ – either: ‘become friends’ (if they actually became friends) or ‘almost became friends’ (if they were only like friends’)

Thanks to Charley , the narrator saw the world more simply (plus simplement)

-tense of ‘saw’ – ‘began to see’
-‘more simply’ is okay.

In this way (ainsi) the narrator will keep a good memory.

-‘will keep a good memory’ – I don’t really understand what you mean by this either…



Réponse: Pour une simple correction si possible de melvina, postée le 23-03-2007 à 07:33:12 (S | E)
D'abord, merci de m'avoir aidée.

Quand je dis :"But the main character realize that Charley was fearful",
je voulais dire que le personnage se rend compte... Ce n'est pas la bonne traduction ? Pourquoi ? Je ne comprends pas

Quand je dis :"It was a real monologue, either grimace or particular sign",
je voulais dire : "The narrator did real monologue and the autistic boy not showed either grimace or particular sign" Either...or c'est bien la négation ni...ni ?

Quand je dis :" In this way, the narrator will keep a good memory",
je voulais dire : "ainsi, le narrateur gardera un bon souvenir"

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Modifié par willy le 23-03-2007 11:05


Réponse: Pour une simple correction si possible de marlond, postée le 23-03-2007 à 15:19:35 (S | E)
But the main character realize that Charley was fear , but he showed it of different ways.
- You've simply conjugated the verb incorrectly: "But, the main character realiseS that Charley was scared..."
-Also note that it is often considered bad style to start a sentence with 'but'.

The narrator did real monologue and the autistic boy not showed either grimace or particular sign" Either...or c'est bien la négation ni...ni ?
- I'm still not 100% sure what you mean - there is no such phrase 'to do a monologue', 'the autistic boy not showed' doesn't make sense - do you mean 'he did not show'? - correct these then I'll look at the 'ni...ni...' translation.

ainsi, le narrateur gardera un bon souvenir
- What is the memory he will have of? - is it a memory of the autistic boy? or of the events?
- I'd translate 'garder' here as 'to have' and English tends to use 'memories' in the plural in this kind of structure.




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