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Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais
Tout ce qui a un rapport avec l'apprentissage de l'anglais: grammaire, orthographe, aides aux devoirs, phrases etc.

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translation
Message de larrym posté le 14-06-2007 à 00:57:14 (S | E | F | I)

Hi folks!

Could anyone take a look at my translation? It's an extract from an epistolary novel I've been working on for the past few days... I thought it'd be somewhat interesting to see what it sounded like in English... Anywhooo... If you feel like making a comment regarding the sentence structure or the collocations I used, that would be helpful. Moreover, if something doesn't sound "English" -- I mean if I used a word or a phrase that a native speaker would never have used -- I d appreciate your telling me. Thanks a lot!

Larry

French version

J’avais donc fermé mon être à l’amour, certain de ce que mon cœur ne s’ouvrirait jamais à un sentiment dont, sans faillir, je contestais l’existence. Mais c’est au plus fort de ces convictions, que j’avais la faiblesse de penser inébranlables, que je me trouvai plongé dans un profond désarroi. En un instant, les fondations du monde qu’avec toute la conscience de l’architecte, j’avais bâti pas à pas, s’effondrèrent, frappées par la foudre du sort. De l’absolu des certitudes, je sombrai dans une mer de doutes. L’espace d’une seconde, je crus même entendre arriver jusqu’à moi l’écho railleur des sœurs filandières. Moi qui régnais en tyran sur l’empire de la raison, moi qui avais condamné Cupidon à l’exil, c’est par l’une des flèches du maudit angelot que je fus détrôné et déchu de mon rang. Voilà comment le suzerain devint le cabotin. Quelle ironie !

English version

I had thus locked my heart away and disposed of the key, deeply convinced that I would never experience a feeling the existence of which I had so strongly been denying. Yet, confident as never that my kingdom would remain undisturbed and unchanged until my dying day, your foolish friend found himself to be helpless and confused. Suddenly, the basis of the world that, with great industry, I had slowly built, collapsed, struck by the dreadful arm of Destiny. Certainty muted into deep misgivings. For a second, I even thought I could hear the Fates mocking me in a sinister laughter. I used to be a tyrant ruling on an empire in which rationality was law. I had sentenced Cupid to banishment. Yet, it was by one of the angel’s despicable arrows that I found myself dethroned and depraved of my realm. The story of a King reduced to buffoonery. How ironic!



Réponse: translation de marlond, postée le 14-06-2007 à 01:20:30 (S | E)
It's quite a nice translation. I've made some suggestions, but I haven't read the French too carefully. The register is quite suitable for literature - there are obviously some things which wouldn't be said on a day-to-day basis, but here I think they're apt.

thus = in this way = ainsi. Here, ‘So, I had..’ - 'So' is more generally used than 'thus', despite their certain level of synonymity [is that even a word?].
probably no need for continuous tense, so ‘I had so strongly denied’, but yours may be okay in the wider context.
‘undisturbed’ isn’t quite the right word – this just implies that no one interrupts him in his day to day life, like the ‘do not disturb’ sign on a hotel door.
of which = whose
confident as EVER – not NEVER
found himself helpless and confused – ‘to be’ is redundant
‘I had slowly built, collapsed’ – need a subject change here – you version suggests that the ‘I collapsed’ the thing, which doesn’t work in English – ‘I had pulled down’, ‘destroyed’ would work.
‘dreadful arm of destiny’ – you can find a better translation than this
‘certainly muted into deep misgivings’ doesn’t make much sense to me – I’d translate this more literally – something like: ‘From being certain of everything, I was now/now found myself swimming in a sea of doubt’
‘mocking me WITH a sinister laughter’ perhaps?
‘their sinister laughter’ perhaps?
‘used to be’ = ‘I was once’ – more literary English
‘ruling on an empire’ – no ‘on’, also it would be better to avoid the present participle in this register like this: ‘I was once a tyrant who ruled an empire’
‘where’ instead of ‘in which’
You can translate ‘raison’ by ‘reason’, if you prefer.
‘Where law was based on reason’ – not quite as eloquent as yours, and as the French, but removes some ambiguity.
Better: ‘I had banished Cupid’ or ‘I had sentenced Cupid to exile’ – you don’t really sentence someone to ‘banishment’
‘deprived of my realm’ rather than ‘depraved’
‘kingdom’ rather than ‘realm’, perhaps?
Voilà = Here we have, perhaps? – so ‘here we have (seen) the story of a king reduced to X’
buffoonery is a strange word – I’ve never heard it, and it doesn’t fit the register.

Hope it helps


Réponse: translation de larrym, postée le 14-06-2007 à 16:43:52 (S | E)
Thankee! I really appreciate!




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