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Technologie (correction) (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Technologie (correction)
Message de amandy29 posté le 06-02-2008 à 18:19:10 (S | E | F)

Bonjour pourriez-vous m'aider à corriger mes fautes s'il vous plaît ?

Nowadays the technology takes a big place in our daily. So, can we live without technology ? To answer this question we are going to say why we can live without and why we can't.

On the one hand it's true that world won't die without technology ! We can see that in developing countries, most of the population haven't got access to technology, mobile phone or ecological car and they can live normally. The technology isn't vital. Moreover, some years ago people lived without much technology in the way they hadn't mobile phones for example. So on the whole we can survive without technology.

On the other hand it's difficult nowadays to live without technology, it's part of the evolution and also part of industrialization to our countries future because it's very useful as the mobile phone who allow us to keep in touch with ours friends, ours relatives or with work partners all the time and we can be contacted wherever we are because we are always reached ! Moreover computer and the Internet are very useful for students to do researches or to chat with their friends. If the technology network would collapse, we would not believe how many people would panic on this sort of issue !

By way of conclusion we can say that nowadays we can't live without technology Even if the past generations had lived without her.

Thanks !
-------------------
Modifié par bridg le 06-02-2008 19:44
Il est demandé aux membres qui auront la gentillesse de répondre de signaler les fautes, d'aider le demandeur à se corriger mais de ne jamais faire le travail à sa place. Cette règle est incontournable sur ce site d'apprentissage. Merci de votre participation.


Réponse: Technologie (correction) de iwona_katarzyna, postée le 06-02-2008 à 20:12:59 (S | E)
Hi,
I assume this is a kind of a formal essay, so you should avoid contracted forms can't, it's and exclamation marks ! I would suggest the following corrections and modifications:
1.Nowadays the technology takes a big place in our daily =
Nowadays technology plays an important/a significant/ an essential/a crucial role in our daily life.
2. To answer this question we are going to say why we can live without and why we can't. =
To answer this question we are going to consider why we can live without it and why we cannot (I would also suggest rephrasing the second part of this sentence)
3. most of the population haven't got access to technology= hasn't got access
4. mobile phone who allow us to = which allows us to
5. for students to do researches = research is an uncountable noun usually
6. If the technology network would collapse, we would not believe= revise the 2nd conditional pattern
7. Even if the past generations had lived without her.= technology=it not her, I suppose this is an interference from French
8. the phrase "without technology" appears too many times, try to reformulate the sentences or replace this phrase with some other words
9. By way of conclusion we can say that nowadays we can't live without technology Even if the past generations had lived without her.= I would join these 2 sentences into 1, "lived" instead of "had lived"
10. conclusion is too short and a bit banal, try to expand it





Réponse: Technologie (correction) de amandy29, postée le 06-02-2008 à 20:21:59 (S | E)
oh thank you very much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Réponse: Technologie (correction) de valentinator, postée le 06-02-2008 à 21:40:42 (S | E)
hello my name is Valentin and you




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