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Message de chtiteci67 posté le 21-02-2008 à 19:47:58 (S | E | F)
I've to do my portfolio in class and one subject is a sort of redaction. This is the subject: Imitating London's style (We've read "the Call of the Wild") write a 2-paragraph character sketch of an animal you know. You may write about your pet, or about an animal character you have seen on television or in the movies. Be sure to include a description of the animal as well as some behavior or action that helps to define the animal's traits.
My redaction is a sort of mix between Spirit and my imagination. I'm sure there are some mistakes and it would be very nice to you if you could correct them, if you have a little bit of time of course . Thank you in advance,
A free spirit
Let me tell you what happened to me:
We were on the 1st March, during the Conquest of the West. Me and four of my brothers were doing a walk with our horses in the Cimarron. We went just mushing our way when I overtook (v. overtake) a horse attached to a tree. He was in a shamefaced state. I could barely describe him so much was he covered with blood. The tree was left by his mark and I deduced from it that he had thrown him against it to free himself from his chains. I looked him with pity but I only saw hatred in his look. He had deep black eyes in which you could see the anger of men. His coat was white speckled with black; he was probably one of the last Mustang in America. There was no noise this day except the horse’s heavy snoring. He struggled to breathe and seemed to be half dead. When going up to him I succeeded in reading his name on his halter: “Fripon” which means “rogue” (or rascal, I don’t know which one is the best ). When he saw me approaching he tried to break loose and to stand up but fell immediately due to his weakness. So we stopped our walk and my brothers helped me to bring the Mustang to my home.
Soon he began to recover. He was a magnificent stallion with a black mane hiding his long neck, flared nostrils, a prominent wither and a muscular croup with long legs and a beautiful two-coloured tail. But as he recovered he became wild and dangerous. Once when I tried to put him a saddle pad he ejected me against the paddock. Fripon was really untameable, but I did not give up. I put my mare in the same fence as him and let her learn to him the good manners. First he has been surprised but slowly he found her charming and became found for her.
One day our tribe have been attacked by the “whites”, I got on my horse and the fight begin. As we were cantering toward one of this men to kill him this men loaded his gun and at the moment he was ready to shot, Fripon came and gave a blow to the men. Although his shot has been deflected, it went in the belly of my mare who was rearing. We both fell in the river. I succeeded to catch a stone but my horse was swept away by the current. Fripon immediately ran and jumped into the water to save her. After that I found them he stayed next to her until her recovery. This horse had save my life and I had no right to keep him near to me. So I untied his halter and said to him: “Go you’re free, but you’d always be my friend.” And he cantered through the Cimarron all his life, protecting the last wild horses of the lowlands, like a free spirit of nature.
Modifié par bridg le 21-02-2008 19:52
Il est demandé aux membres qui auront la gentillesse de répondre de signaler les fautes, d'aider le demandeur à se corriger mais de ne jamais faire le travail à sa place. Cette règle est incontournable sur ce site d'apprentissage. Merci de votre participation.
Réponse: A free Spirit de chtiteci67, postée le 23-02-2008 à 23:39:01 (S | E)
S'il vous plaît quelqu'un pourrait-il m'aider ?! J'ai réellement besoin d'aide... Merci d'avance
Réponse: A free Spirit de gee, postée le 24-02-2008 à 12:19:39 (S | E)
No, Céline, teachers, pundits and native don’t have a little bit of spare time to listen to your call. Will you be constrained to make do with a minor figure responds? I hope not. But to ward the very worst off I put some remarks down that sprang to my mind easily.
Take them with all proper reserve.
As the Conquest of the West did last more than one year, I’d rather say that it was a 1st of March (a instead of the).
Your second sentence is probably grammatically correct but it could be better expressed. Couldn’t you use a verb to say “do a walk on horseback”? The Cimarron is a river, isn’t it? “In” the Cimarron could be said otherwise.
I like very much your “mushing”. Was is snow over the country?
Note that “shamefaced” has a shade of shame, a human emotion. Is it really what you mean?
The tree was left by his mark? Is it correct? I’d have said otherwise.
To look + prep. + object
Why not start the sentence this way: In his deep black eyes…
… white speckled with black spots: that means he was a pinto.
You speak of a day at the time of the Conquest of West: “that” day
He struggled? He was busy struggling, I suppose, > use the –ing form.
I don’t know what you mean by wither.
I suppose he ejected you against the paddock’s fence.
Your mare taught the stallion something and the stallion learnt from the mare.
the good manners or simply good manners? I am not sure.
“he has been surprised” > that is not correct because by the time you speak he is not surprised any more.
to be fond of someone
One day, it’s a precise day, your tribe > (preterit)
this men > this is singular, men is plural
cantering toward a man to kill him !! You could tell it otherwise.
shot is a pp.
to give a blow to a man: isn’t it to blow the man down? or better, choose a different verb because to blow down is something that implies wind or breath.
has been deflected : mistake of tense
You fell into the river, poor Céline!
it went into the belly: choose a better verb if you can.
You managed to catch a stone. Was it to throw it on?
"After that I found them he stayed next to her until her recovery” I assume you found them back. And … that needs some fixing.
the horse had save (bug!)
said to him; why not easier “told him”?
How comforting it is to learn there is a free spirit of nature!
I hope this will help, Céline.
Modifié par gee le 24-02-2008 12:20
Réponse: A free Spirit de chtiteci67, postée le 25-02-2008 à 21:15:22 (S | E)
I didn't understand all of your answer, sounds not too nice however, but anyway, thank you very much to have given me an answer !