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Storytellers. (1)

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Storytellers.
Message de niko376 posté le 26-04-2008 à 20:41:05 (S | E | F)

Hi everybody,

En fait, je dois écrire une histoire pour la rentrée. Pourriez-vous m'indiquez mes fautes svp sans me les corriger
Merci d'avance à ceux qui auront le courage de m'aider


It was the most wonderful day of my life. Perhaps the worst. At least, I guess so.


When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was. I just remembered that, while I was travelling in the universe, my starship had crushed onto a world which anybody had heard about my planet. However, I can tell you that it was a sun-filled day. Smogs moved quickly in the blue sky because the wind was raging. Also, trees were mistreated as well as the surrounding trash mountains.
It seemed me it was too dangerous to stay on the even place for a long time because people are often very strange. Also, perhaps inhabitants of this planet were not like me. In fact, I am a robot. Maybe they were humans who didn’t know robots exist. That’s why, as soon as I had analyzed surroundings, I decided to go away from this place.
After I had crossed through trash mountains, in a complete solitude, I caught a glimpse of metal lodgings between trees. I was so intrigued that I ran up till metal lodgings, avoiding, of course, the trees. The wind was cool, which relaxed me because the sun was scorching my circuits. At last, I arrived at the edge of the metal town. While I was studying some frameworks , some people, who were humans, were speaking, shopping. Suddenly, before I could do something, a human slapped my head with an axe, which caused a short circuit

I wakened in a jail. There was one human with me. A woman. She had a little nose which would glamorise her, according to her race. She wore a kind of cloak. When she noticed that my eyes were opened, she spoke to me, staring at my entire metal body.
‘ Who are you? Why are you here? Why is your body composed of metal assembling?’
‘ I’m robot-376, human, and I come from ZAALA. It’s my planet. On ZAALA, there are no humans. In fact, all of them died during a war, a painful war between humans and robots.As you see, robots won. We won because we can’t become aware of feelings like love, friendship. Also, we knew that humans were bad factors, which ruined our world. So, we killed all of them! Look at your world, and you will understand my words.’
‘I’m afraid, you’re crazy robot-376’
‘I haven’t finished my answer. Well. I’m on your planet beacause, while I was travelling in the macrocosm, my starship had a problem, and, after I had lost its control, it crashed somewhere near the metal town. Lo and behold for explanations. Also, I think that, now, you understand why my body is composed of metal assembling.’


PS: C'est le début de mon histoire.

Bonne soirée à tous











-------------------
Modifié par niko376 le 28-04-2008 14:05


Réponse: Storytellers. de lucile83, postée le 26-04-2008 à 21:01:15 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Je corrige le début...ou plutôt j'indique les fautes.
It was the most wonderful day of my life. Perhaps the worse. At least, I guess.


When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was. I just remembered that, during I was travelling in the macroscome, my starship had crushed onto a world whose anybody had heard on my planet. However, I can tell you that it was a sun-filled day. Smogs moved quicly in the blue sky because the wind was raged. Also, trees were mistreated as well as the surrounding trash mountains.
He seemed me it was too dangerous to stay on the even place for a long time because people are often very strange. Also, perhaps inhabitants of this planet were not like me. In fact, I am a robot. Maybe they were humans whom didn’t know robots exist. That’s why, as soon as I had analyzed surroundings, I decided to go away from this place.
After I had crossed through??? trash mountains, in a complete solitude, I caught a glimpse of metal lodgings between trees. I was so intrigued that I run up till metal lodgings, avoiding, of course, the trees. The wind was cool, which relaxed me because the sun was scorching my circuits. At last, I arrived at the edge of the metal town. While I was studyings some frameworks , some people, who were humans, was speaking, shopping. Sudden, before I can do something, a human slapped my head with an axe, which caused a short circuit
See you


Réponse: Storytellers. de niko376, postée le 26-04-2008 à 22:42:27 (S | E)
Merci à vous, lucile83.

Voilà mes corrections: - the worst
- I think
- whilst ( ou while, etc )
- macroscom
- which
- quickly
- was raging
- It seemed
- who
- ran
- studying
- were
- On a sudden
- I am able to do...

PS: Désolé pour les fautes de frappes ( et les fautes bêtes )

le 26-04-2008 22:46


Réponse: Storytellers. de lucile83, postée le 26-04-2008 à 23:02:15 (S | E)
Bonjour,
Voilà mes corrections: - the worst...ok
- I think...I think so/I guess so
- whilst ( ou while, etc )...non,pas "etc" ,c'est "while" car "whilst" est un peu suranné
- macroscom.....encore faux
- which.....which anybody had heard about
- quickly ...ok
- was raging...ok
- It seemed...ok
- who ...ok
- ran...ok
- studying...ok
- were...ok
- On a sudden...non
- I am able to do...non

See you


Réponse: Storytellers. de niko376, postée le 26-04-2008 à 23:11:32 (S | E)
Hi, voilà mes nouvelles corrections:

- universe
- suddenly
- would

Merci pour votre patience


Réponse: Storytellers. de lucile83, postée le 26-04-2008 à 23:31:23 (S | E)
Bonjour,
- universe...ok ou bien macrocosm (correctement orthographié)
- suddenly...ok
- would....non can/could, donc ici could

I have been patient for more than 35 years, then I can still be
See you






Réponse: Storytellers. de niko376, postée le 26-04-2008 à 23:36:25 (S | E)
Merci pour votre aide.


Réponse: Storytellers. de lucile83, postée le 26-04-2008 à 23:45:18 (S | E)
Well...we can go on now for the second part,

I wakened in a jail. There was one human with me. A woman. When she noticed that my eyes were opened, she spoke to me, staring at my entire metal body.
‘ Who are you? Why are you here? Why (your body is) composed of metals assembling?’
‘ I am robot-376, human, and I come from ZAALA. It’s my planet. On ZAALA, there are no humans. In fact, all of them died during a war, a painful war between humans and robots. Like you see, robots won. We won because we can’t feel feelings...feel twice.. like love, friendship. Also, we knew that humans were bad factors, which ruined our world. So, we have killed all of them! Look at your world, and you will understand my words.’
‘Shut up , you are crazy robot-376’
‘ I have not finished my answer. Well. I am on your planet beacause, during I was travelling in the macrocoscome, my starship had a problem, and, after I have lost his control, it crushed somewhere near the metal town. Lo and behold for explications. Also, I think that, now, you understand why my body is composed of metals assembling.’

See you tomorrow


Réponse: Storytellers. de niko376, postée le 26-04-2008 à 23:58:25 (S | E)
Hi, Voici mes corrections:

-Why is your body composed of metal assembling?
- As you see ( pourquoi ne pouvons nous pas mettre like? )
- become aware of feelings
- killed
- What ( à la place de shut up )
- because
- macrocosm
- had lost
- its control
- crushed onto somewhere
- explanations
- metal assembling

Good night, et encore merci




Réponse: Storytellers. de lucile83, postée le 27-04-2008 à 09:16:55 (S | E)
Bonjour,
-Why is your body composed of metal assembling?.....ok
- As you see ( pourquoi ne pouvons nous pas mettre like? )...ok *
- become aware of feelings...ok, ou "we can't have any feelings such as love...
- killed...ok
- What ( à la place de shut up )...hum...I think/I am afraid you are crazy...
- because..ok
- macrocosm...ok
- had lost...ok
- its control...ok
- crushed onto somewhere...no; crashed
- explanations...ok
- metal assembling...ok

* like est suivi d'un nom,as d'un verbe (en gros)
See you


Réponse: Storytellers. de niko376, postée le 27-04-2008 à 23:12:17 (S | E)
Merci pour votre précieuse aide Lucile83. Je viens d'écrire une suite à mon histoire, pourriez-vous m'indiquez mes fautes svp, toujours sans me les corriger?

Voici la suite :

‘Well, it’s absolutely impossible, what you said can’t be true. A robot. I’m talking with a robot!!! I’m dreaming. Yes. Robots don’t exist.’
‘If you want, I can tell you that you’re dreaming, but, I haven’t time for hogwashes. I have to escape from this jail. Will you come with me?’
‘As I’m dreaming, I can do all that I want safely. Okay, I come with you!’

I didn’t know why I suggested her that she follow me. I just can tell you for the moment, that it’s thanks to this woman, or because of her, that I think it was the most wonderful day of my life. Or the worst.

Before we escaped from the jail, we had to establish a plan. Indeed, what will we do outdoors? Where will we go?
‘Okay woman, I need your help, now. Do you know some people who could help us outdoors?



Réponse: Storytellers. de lucile83, postée le 28-04-2008 à 07:34:12 (S | E)
Bonjour,
‘Well, it’s absolutely impossible, what you’ve said can’t be truth. A robot. I’m talking with a robot!!! I’m dreaming. Yes. Robots don’t exist.’
‘If you want, I can tell you that you’re dreaming, but, I haven’t time for hogwashes. I have to escape from this jail. Do you come with me?’
‘As I’m dreaming, I can do all that I wanna without dangers . Okay, I come with you!’

I didn’t know why I suggested her that she follow me. I just can tell you for the moment, that it’s thanks to this woman, or because of her, that I think it was the most wonderful day of my life. Or the worst.

Before we escaped from the jail, we had to establish a plan. Indeed, what will we do outdoors? Where will we go?
‘Okay woman, I need your help, now. Do you know some people who could help us outdoors?

See you




Réponse: Storytellers. de niko376, postée le 28-04-2008 à 09:14:22 (S | E)
Hi, voici mes propositions ( je ne suis absolument pas sur):

-were saying
-true
-Will you come with me?
-all that I want safe


Réponse: Storytellers. de lucile83, postée le 28-04-2008 à 09:40:23 (S | E)
Bonjour,
-were saying...non (action passée + récit)
-true...ok
-Will you come with me?...ok
-all that I want safe....ok sauf pour l'adjectif 'safe',il faudrait un adverbe ici.
See you


Réponse: Storytellers. de niko376, postée le 28-04-2008 à 09:44:58 (S | E)
Hi,

- Said
- Safely




Réponse: Storytellers. de lucile83, postée le 28-04-2008 à 11:48:17 (S | E)
for you! good work


Réponse: Storytellers. de tonde08011965, postée le 28-04-2008 à 12:16:53 (S | E)
je ne reviendrai pas sur les mêmes propositions que les autres memebres. voici autres remarques (à reformuler):

Onto a world
it seemed me it was
maybe




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