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Correction - Armée du salut (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction - Armée du salut
Message de fallen posté le 08-02-2009 à 18:45:55 (S | E | F)

Bonsoir à tous.

Je suis en terminale STG et je passe mercredi un oral sur un document que j'ai préalablement choisie. La photo de ce document provient d'une campagne de sensibilisation faite par L'Armée Du Salut (Salvation Army).

Voici la photo : : Lien Internet


Pourriez-vous m'aider s'il-vous-plaît dans la correction de ma rédaction?
D'avance merci.

-> Description
This document is an awareness campaign published by the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army is a Christian association which helps poor people who are in need. It probably appeared in a magazine or in a billboard.

The scene takes place in a kind of corridor where there are in the background two notices board which are written “Cafe now closed” and in between there is a door upon which there is a catchphrase which is “actions speak louder than words”. The subject is seen from a slight high angle shot
Then, in the foreground, ,we can see a volunteer of the association who is leaning forward in front of the tramp and who is holding a cup of coffee to give it to the poor man. The tramp is slumped on the floor, he is huddled up and wrapped in a blanket to keep himself warm. He seems to be frozen and exhausted.
In the bottom left-hand corner, we can also notice the shield of the Salvation Army.
By the way, in the bottom of the advertisement, there is some information on the associations like the address or the number phone.

-> Interpretation

To begin with, we can explain the catch phrase of this document. “Actions speak louder than words” means that your actions communicate more clearly than your words because people are more impressed with our sincerity if we act on our beliefs than if we merely talk about them. As a result, acting is more important that words or speeches.

Then, the purpose of this document is to make people aware of the poverty in the world and more specifically open their eyes to the danger of it because at least 100,000 people die of lack of food every year. That’s why the focal point of this document is obviously the tramp because he draws our attention by his poor physical condition. The slight high angle shot put the emphasis on the weakened state of the tramp and then, the viewer will feel pity when looking at this photo because the tramp makes us upset.

-> Avis personnel

As far as I’m concerned, I think that nowadays, a lot of people don’t pay enough attention to the issues of the poor whereas each winter, thousands people are dying because of the cold weather. That’s why it is very important to remind people that we should help the neediest in the society to improve their living conditions by acting like giving a little money or merely to speak with them because the social ties is fundamental.


-------------------
Modifié par fallen le 08-02-2009 18:54


Réponse: Correction - Armée du salut de azer3, postée le 08-02-2009 à 20:10:23 (S | E)
Bonjour,
-> Description
This document is an awareness campaign published by the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army is a Christian association which helps poor people who are in need. It probably appeared in a magazine or in a billboard.

The scene takes place in a kind of corridor where there are in the background two notices board which are written “Cafe now closed” and in between there is a door upon which there is a catchphrase which is “actions speak louder than words”. The subject is seen from a slight high angle shot
Then, in the foreground, ,we can see a volunteer of the association who is leaning forward in front of the tramp and who is holding a cup of coffee to give it to the poor man. The tramp is slumped on the floor, he is huddled up and wrapped in a blanket to keep himself warm. He seems to be frozen and exhausted.
In the bottom left-hand corner, we can also notice the shield of the Salvation Army.
By the way, in the bottom of the advertisement, there is some information on the associations like the address or the number phone.

-> Interpretation

To begin with, we can explain the catch phrase of this document. “Actions speak louder than words” means that your actions communicate more clearly than your words because people are more impressed with our sincerity if we act on our beliefs than if we merely talk about them. As a result, acting is more important that words or speeches.

Then, the purpose of this document is to make people aware of the poverty in the world and more specifically open their eyes to the danger of it because at least 100,000 people die of lack of food every year. That’s why the focal point of this document is obviously the tramp because he draws our attention by his poor physical condition. The slight high angle shot put the emphasis on the weakened state of the tramp and then, the viewer will feel pity when looking at this photo because the tramp makes us upset.

-> Avis personnel
As far as I’m concerned, I think that nowadays, a lot of people don’t pay enough attention to the issues of the poor whereas each winter, thousands people are dying because of the cold weather. That’s why it is very important to remind people that we should help the neediest in the society to improve their living conditions by acting like giving a little money or merely to speak with them because the social ties is fundamental.
on dit pas in between
tu as trop utilisé "wich" alors c'est mieux de simplifier en mettant un point et en commençant une autre phrase sans oublier que c'est une présentation orale.
ça doit être au pluriel.
révise la proposition utilisé.
le verbe est a l'infinitive alors ca manque quelque chose avant le verbe.
open eyes on.
tu peut placer le pronom possessive" it" avant je vois que c'est mieux.
le verbe est au présent et le sujet est au masculin singulier vérifier la conjugaison alors!
ça manque le pronom.
ça manque un virgule.

Voilà;
A part ça; well done and good job.




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