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Correction rédaction
Message de charlemagne91 posté le 20-04-2009 à 12:09:51 (S | E | F)
hello,
pour la rentrée j'ai une rédaction à faire. On doit écire un dialogue entre deux immigrants: l'un qui veut partir et l'autre qui ne veut pas. On doit respecter les formes du dialogue, le registre de l'oral, l'argumentation et avoir un vocabulaire approprié et riche...
j'ai fais la rédaction, est-ce que quelqu'un peut m'aider et la corriger?
In the early 20th Century, Olivier Rahamadj and Clotilde Ajaya-Boeidjin lived in a small Town in the south- west of India: Panaji. Olivier works in a destitute farm and Clotilde is a cheap labour force.
Once open a time, Clotilde makes up one’s mind: fulfil her dream. She wants changing live and sails away to New-York with Olivier.
Clotilde perceives Olivier in a bench and run.
She murmurs:”beautiful weather isn’t it? “
“Yes “, Olivier grumbles.
She offers cheerfully: “I’m tired of poverty; I fell like to realizing the American Dream! Won’t you ready? “
He sighs: “you see I’d rather to stay in India! “
“What? “She gapes at, you know our poverty, we wear shabby clothes, and live miserable. “
Oliver moans:» yes, but I’ve my family in India, Akshara and Manju my too sisters.
Clotilde frown and sit down the bench: “I will help you. I’ve some economies; we’ll take a paddle steamer and will go to Ellis Island. I known a friend who went to America. It’s a true paradise” she replays sincerely.
”You will change your live, won’t you?, Oliver mumble. Why not. You will discover America whereas I love to stay here! That’s why, if you go to America, you go alone”, he booms rudely.
Clotilde weep and wail “but American live is better than Indian Live! You will have a job, a nice house and you can support oneself. I rely on you!
He maintain scornfully: “Do you speak English? Are you Skilled?... No! You must start from scratch and move forward. It’s to difficult for You…
Clotilde gape at “Do you think that I’m unable to adjust a new live? Actually, I fell like reaching my goal!
Oliver gaze at Clotilde and sigh: “as you wish…could you paid my crossing?
“Yes! she answer. You will come, won’t you ?
“You can’t be serious” he said uneasily. Olivier is struck.
“Such”! Clotilde declares self-assured.
Olivier is strong-willed and complain:» Even if I dislike being uprooted, I’ll go with you in America!
“Marvellous! We left Panaji to morrow to reach America! Make you pace of luggage.”
Oliver winces and stand up. He wave good bye, Clotilde nod.
She stays during 3 hours on that bench, she dreams.
Voilà, merci beaucoup beaucoup d'avance.
Message de charlemagne91 posté le 20-04-2009 à 12:09:51 (S | E | F)
hello,
pour la rentrée j'ai une rédaction à faire. On doit écire un dialogue entre deux immigrants: l'un qui veut partir et l'autre qui ne veut pas. On doit respecter les formes du dialogue, le registre de l'oral, l'argumentation et avoir un vocabulaire approprié et riche...
j'ai fais la rédaction, est-ce que quelqu'un peut m'aider et la corriger?
In the early 20th Century, Olivier Rahamadj and Clotilde Ajaya-Boeidjin lived in a small Town in the south- west of India: Panaji. Olivier works in a destitute farm and Clotilde is a cheap labour force.
Once open a time, Clotilde makes up one’s mind: fulfil her dream. She wants changing live and sails away to New-York with Olivier.
Clotilde perceives Olivier in a bench and run.
She murmurs:”beautiful weather isn’t it? “
“Yes “, Olivier grumbles.
She offers cheerfully: “I’m tired of poverty; I fell like to realizing the American Dream! Won’t you ready? “
He sighs: “you see I’d rather to stay in India! “
“What? “She gapes at, you know our poverty, we wear shabby clothes, and live miserable. “
Oliver moans:» yes, but I’ve my family in India, Akshara and Manju my too sisters.
Clotilde frown and sit down the bench: “I will help you. I’ve some economies; we’ll take a paddle steamer and will go to Ellis Island. I known a friend who went to America. It’s a true paradise” she replays sincerely.
”You will change your live, won’t you?, Oliver mumble. Why not. You will discover America whereas I love to stay here! That’s why, if you go to America, you go alone”, he booms rudely.
Clotilde weep and wail “but American live is better than Indian Live! You will have a job, a nice house and you can support oneself. I rely on you!
He maintain scornfully: “Do you speak English? Are you Skilled?... No! You must start from scratch and move forward. It’s to difficult for You…
Clotilde gape at “Do you think that I’m unable to adjust a new live? Actually, I fell like reaching my goal!
Oliver gaze at Clotilde and sigh: “as you wish…could you paid my crossing?
“Yes! she answer. You will come, won’t you ?
“You can’t be serious” he said uneasily. Olivier is struck.
“Such”! Clotilde declares self-assured.
Olivier is strong-willed and complain:» Even if I dislike being uprooted, I’ll go with you in America!
“Marvellous! We left Panaji to morrow to reach America! Make you pace of luggage.”
Oliver winces and stand up. He wave good bye, Clotilde nod.
She stays during 3 hours on that bench, she dreams.
Voilà, merci beaucoup beaucoup d'avance.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 20-04-2009 à 18:47:20 (S | E)
Personne ne peut m'aider?
snif coment je vais faire? help me
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Modifié par mariebru le 20-04-2009 20:56
Il faut un peu de patience (et surtout déposer les demandes bien à temps) car aujourd'hui plus de dix demandes assez longues ont été déposées et les correcteurs - bénévoles - ne peuvent tout assumer en même temps.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de mawoubelle, postée le 20-04-2009 à 22:15:50 (S | E)
Charlemagne91,
Il y a dans ton dialogue un GROS pbm de temps! Tu passes du présent au preterit en passant pas le 'rien' (ex: "Clotilde frown and sit down"). Je n'ai pas réussi à comprendre si tu situais ton dialogue dans un récit ou dans une description du présent. Choisis.
Par ailleurs, ton vocabulaire est varié, tu sembles avoir cherché à le diversifer, mais (oui, il y a un mais!) il est parfois mal choisi.
Ex: 'perceive' ne veut pas dire apercevoir! Vérifie!
Ex: 'offer cheerfully' je ne comprends même pas car offer n'est pas dans le bon contexte. OFFER SOMETHING TO SOMEBODY
Dernier exemple significatif: "she gapes at"
Déjà corrige tout ça. Reposte ta nouvelle version, je finirai la correction parce que là ça serait vraiment trop trop trop lourd.
Bon courage!
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 21-04-2009 à 09:23:32 (S | E)
Bonjour, meci beaucoup de m'aider...
Bon, je choisis de garder du présent et du futur
Mon dialogue serait plûtot un récit mais la prof a dit de décrir les attitudes et les réactions des personnages...alors je sais pas vraiment...
je corrige:
In the early 20th Century, Olivier Rahamadj and Clotilde Ajaya-Boeidjin live in a small Town in the south- west of India: Panaji. Olivier works in a destitute farm and Clotilde is a cheap labour force.
Once open a time, Clotilde makes up one’s mind: fulfil her dream. She wants changing live and to sail away to New-York with Olivier.
Clotilde perceives Olivier in a bench and runs.
She murmurs:”beautiful weather isn’t it? “
“Yes “, Olivier grumbles.
She adds cheerfully: “I’m tired of poverty; I fell like to realizing the American Dream! Won’t you ready? “
He sighs: “you see I’d rather to stay in India! “
“What? “She blinks, you know our poverty, we wear shabby clothes, and live miserable. “
Oliver moans:» yes, but I’ve my family in India, Akshara and Manju my too sisters.
Clotilde frown(c'est pas du présent? (froncer les sourcils?) and sit down the bench: “I will help you. I’ve some economies; we’ll take a paddle steamer and will go to Ellis Island. I known a friend who went to America. It’s a true paradise” she replays sincerely.
”You will change your live, won’t you?, Oliver mumble. Why not. You will discover America whereas I love to stay here! That’s why, if you go to America, you go alone”, he booms rudely.
Clotilde weep and wail “but American live is better than Indian Live! You will have a job, a nice house and you can support oneself. I rely on you!
He maintain scornfully: “Do you speak English? Are you Skilled?... No! You must start from scratch and move forward. It’s to difficult for You…
Clotilde gape at “Do you think that I’m unable to adjust a new live? Actually, I fell like reaching my goal!
Oliver gaze at Clotilde and sigh: “as you wish…could you paid my crossing?
“Yes! she answer. You will come, won’t you ?
“You can’t be serious” he said uneasily. Olivier is struck.
“Such”! Clotilde declares self-assured.
Olivier is strong-willed and complain:» Even if I dislike being uprooted, I’ll go with you in America!
“Marvellous! We left Panaji to morrow to reach America! Make you pace of luggage.”
Oliver winces and stand up. He wave good bye, Clotilde nod.
She stays during 3 hours on that bench, she dreams.
Voilà , j'ai essayé ...mais pour les temps j'ai beaucoup de mal.
Merci encore beaucoup beaucoup de m'aider
J'ai aussi une dernière question, comme c'est du dialogue, la prof veut un registre plutot familier(pour ça que j'ai mis les formes contractées)
Est-ce que vous auriez une formule plus familière pour rajoutter à la conclusion?
Merci d'avance.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de mawoubelle, postée le 21-04-2009 à 21:00:29 (S | E)
Bon c'est un peu mieux! ;-) Je reviendrai sur ton choix des temps dans quelques instants.
D'abord ton intro, 'fin ton "chapeau" comme disent les profs de français!
*Elle est maladroite car tu utilises deux formes d'intro en une! 2en1 du coup c'est redondant! Soit tu situes "In the early blalba", soit tu commences par "Once upon a time" (si je devais intervenir ici, je te déconseillerais 'Once Upon A time' qui fait très (trop) comte de fée, donc peu approprié ici)
Par ailleurs à partir du moment où tu dates ->preterit obligatoire! Donc ton intro sera forcément au pret ('techniquement' tu as le droit de changer après pour ton récit et d'écrire ton dialogue au présent, mais les anglais ne le font pas. Raconter au présent ne sera donc pas très authentique! Je descends un peu ton choix, mais...)
Pour introduire le projet de Clotilde, il suffit de dire: "But one day, Clotilde decided to fulfill her dream and to go to the USA...WANT(ed)+TO
Le dialogue.
Comme je l'ai dit il est préférable de mettre les verbes de parole et autres au preterit. Bien sur les paroles seront au temps qui convient à celui qui les dit.... je sais pas si je suis claire..?? ex:"I am happy", said Clotilde et non "I was happy", said Clotilde.
~FEEL LIKE +doing something
~phrase sans verbe: 'wont you ready?' En effet, rappel will=modal!
~'we live miserable' incorrecte car vb+adj ne vont pas ensembles! vb+adv ou adj+nom
~ 'Clotilde frown [...] sit down', non ce n'est pas du présent!!!! Heureusement que ton prof voit pas ça! lol! 3ème persoooooooonne du singulier! -S! mais ici, dans ta prochaine version, toute façon tu utiliseras le préterit puisque vb de parole etc...
~economies -> calque sur le français... dictionnaire!
~ orth TOO difficult
désolée jai pas le tps de finir today!
regarde déjà ça, je pourrai revenir demain
byz
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 22-04-2009 à 09:46:56 (S | E)
Merci, c'est trop gentil de m'aider(oui, heureusement que le prof voit pas ça...)
Je fini mes devoirs d'allemand et je poste une nouvelle version
A tout de suite
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 22-04-2009 à 21:22:46 (S | E)
je recorrige:
In the early 20th Century, Olivier Rahamadj and Clotilde Ajaya-Boeidjin lived in a small Town in the south- west of India: Panaji. Olivier was working in a destitute farm and Clotilde was a cheap labour force.
color=#008000>But one day, Clotilde decided to fulfil her dream and to go to the USA. She wanted to changing live and to sail away to New-York with Olivier.
Clotilde p<font color=#008000>erceived Olivier in a bench and ran.
She murmured:”beautiful weather isn’t it? “
“Yes “, Olivier grumbled.
She added cheerfully: “I’m tired of poverty; I fell like to realizing the American Dream! Won’t you ready? “
He sighed: “you see I’d rather to stay in India! “
“What? “She blinked, you know our poverty, we wear shabby clothes, and live miserable. “
Oliver moaned:» yes, but I’ve my family in India, Akshara and Manju my too sisters.
Clotilde f<font color=#008000>rowed and sat down the bench: “I will help you. I’ve some economy; we’ll take a paddle steamer and will go to Ellis Island. I known a friend who went to America. It’s a true paradise” she replayed sincerely.
”You will change your live, won’t you?, Oliver mumbled. Why not. You will discover America whereas I love to stay here! That’s why, if you go to America, you go alone”, he boomed rudely.
Clotilde weeped and wailed “but American live is better than Indian Live! You will have a job, a nice house and you can support oneself. I rely on you!
He maintained scornfully: “Do you speak English? Are you Skilled?... No! You must start from scratch and move forward. It’s too difficult for You…
Clotilde gaped at “Do you think that I’m unable to adjust a new live? Actually, I fell like reaching my goal!
Oliver gazed at Clotilde and sighed: “as you wish…could you paid my crossing?
“Yes! she answered. You will come, won’t you ?
“You can’t be serious” he said uneasily. Olivier was struck.
“Such”! Clotilde declared self-assured.
Olivier was strong-willed and complained:» Even if I dislike being uprooted, I’ll go with you in America!
“Marvellous! We left Panaji to morrow to reach America! Make you pace of luggage.”
Oliver winced and stood up. He waved good bye, Clotilde noded.
She stayed during 3 hours on that bench, she drom.
heureusement que j'ai pas rendu la première version...le prof m'aurait tué sur place...(mais bon, c'est pas encore parfait...j'ai trop de mal)
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Modifié par charlemagne91 le 22-04-2009 21:23
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Modifié par charlemagne91 le 22-04-2009 21:24
Réponse: Correction rédaction de brettdallen, postée le 22-04-2009 à 23:19:25 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Je ne ferai que signaler ce qui ne va toujours pas...
In the early 20th Century, Olivier Rahamadj and Clotilde Ajaya-Boeidjin lived in a small Town in the south- west of India: Panaji. Olivier was working in a destitute(est-ce le bon mot pour "farm"?) farm and Clotilde was a cheap labour force("labourer").
color=#008000>But one day, Clotilde decided to fulfil her dream and to go to the USA. She wanted to changing live and to sail away to New-York with Olivier.
Clotilde perceived Olivier in a bench and ran(je ne comprends pas la scène. Vous devez vous tromper de verbes..).
She murmured:”beautiful weather isn’t it? “
“Yes “, Olivier grumbled.
She added cheerfully: “I’m tired of poverty; I fell like to("feel like +-ing", mais là, le souhait n'est pas fugace, choisissez un autre verbe) realizing the American Dream! Won’t(où est le verbe? de plus, vous ne choisissez pas la bonne structure) you ready? “
He sighed: “you see I’d rather to stay in India! “
“What? “She blinked(pourquoi pas... mais qu'exprime ce verbe?), you know our poverty(un peu maladroit, "how poor we are"), we wear shabby clothes, and live miserable(verbe + adverb!). “
Oliver moaned:» yes, but I’ve(got) my family in India, Akshara and Manju my too sisters.
Clotilde frowed and sat down(on) the bench: “I will help you. I’ve (got) some economy(vocabulaire); we’ll take a paddle steamer(to sail from India to America?) and will go to Ellis Island. I known a friend who went to America. It’s a true paradise” she replayed(vocabulaire) sincerely.
La suite arrive.. (tout est vert, je ne sais pas pourquoi...)
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Modifié par lucile83 le 24-04-2009 09:46
Parce que c'est le printemps !
Mise en page rectifiée.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de brettdallen, postée le 22-04-2009 à 23:35:58 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
(suite...)
”You will?(pourquoi pas.. why not "want to") change your live, won’t you?, Oliver mumbled. Why not. You will discover America whereas I love(est-ce vraiment le verbe que vous vouliez utiliser?) to stay here! That’s why, if you go to America, you go alone”, he boomed rudely(pourquoi pas, cela dépend de ce que vous voulez exprimer..).
Clotilde weeped(vérifiez, please! ou sinon "started weeping") and wailed “but(the) American live is better than(the) Indian Live(ou "living in America is ..")! You will have a job, a nice house and you can support oneself. I rely on you!
He maintained scornfully: “Do you speak English? Are you Skilled?... No! You must("will have to") start from scratch and move forward. It’s too difficult for You…
Clotilde gaped at(revoir la position de ces verbes introducteurs de discours direct!) “Do you think that I’m unable to adjust(to) a new live? Actually, I fell like reaching my goal!
Oliver gazed at Clotilde and sighed: “as you wish…could you paid(base verbale, + for) my crossing?
“Yes! she answered. You will come, won’t you ?
“You can’t be serious” he said uneasily. Olivier was struck.
“Such("I am!")”! Clotilde declared self-assured.
Olivier was strong-willed and complained:» Even if I dislike being uprooted, I’ll go with you in America!
“Marvellous! We left(pourquoi du passé?) Panaji to morrow to reach America! Make you pace ?of luggage("Pack your luggage"?).”
Oliver winced and stood up. He waved good bye, Clotilde noded("nodded").
She stayed during(qu'est-ce qui permet d'introduire une durée?) 3 hours on that bench, she drom? (she was daydreaming/thinking?).
Je n'ai pas tout signalé, mais cela vous fait déjà du travail!)
Cordialement.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 23-04-2009 à 20:55:18 (S | E)
Voici la première partie
In the early 20th Century, Olivier Rahamadj and Clotilde Ajaya-Boeidjin lived in a small Town in the south- west of India: Panaji. Olivier was working in a wretched farm and Clotilde was a cheap labour force("labourer").
But one day, Clotilde decided to fulfil her dream and to go to the USA. She wanted to change her live and to sail away to New-York with Olivier.
Clotilde perceived Olivier in a bench and ran. Je veux dire : clotilde aperçoit O sur un banc et court(vers lui je ne sais pas comment dire). She murmured:”beautiful weather isn’t it? “
“Yes “, Olivier grumbled.
She added cheerfully: “I’m tired of poverty; I wish to realizing the American Dream! You will be ready, Won’t you? “
He sighed: “you see I’d rather to ?? stay in India! “
“What? “She blinked and retorted(cligner des yeux) you know how poor we are, we wear shabby clothes, and live miserably. “
Oliver moaned:» yes, but I’ve got my family in India, Akshara and Manju my two sisters.
Clotilde frowed and sat down on the bench: “I will help you. I’ve (got) some silver; we’ll take a paddle steamer to sail from India to America and will go to Ellis Island. I known ?? a friend who went to America. It’s a true paradise” she expounded sincerely.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 23-04-2009 à 21:08:19 (S | E)
La suite:
”You will?(pourquoi pas.. why not "want to" la prof aime les interos négatives alors si c'est bon j'aimerai la garder...) change your live?, won’t you?, Oliver mumbled. Why not. You will discover America whereas I fell like to stay here! That’s why, if you go to America, you go alone”, he boomed rudely(pourquoi pas, cela dépend de ce que vous voulez exprimer..).
Clotilde started weeping and wailed “but living in America is better than living in India. You will have a job, a nice house and you can support you. I rely on you!
He maintained scornfully: “Do you speak English? Are you Skilled?... No! You must("will have to" est ce que je peux garger must pour éviter une répetition?)) start from scratch and move forward. It’s too difficult for You…
Clotilde gaped at(revoir la position de ces verbes introducteurs de discours direct!) “Do you think that I’m unable to adjust(to) a new live? Actually, I fell like reaching my goal!
Oliver gazed at Clotilde and sighed: “as you wish…could you to paiy for my crossing?
“Yes! she answered. You will come, won’t you ?
“You can’t be serious” he said uneasily. Olivier was struck.
“Such("I am!")comment on dit "si!"”! Clotilde declared self-assured.
Olivier was strong-willed and complained:» Even if I dislike being uprooted, I’ll go with you to America!
“Marvellous! We left(pourquoi du passé?) Panaji to morrow to reach America! Pack your luggage!.”
Oliver winced and stood up. He waved good bye, Clotilde nodded.
She stayed since 3 hours on that bench, she was daydreaming.
Voilà, merci vraiment beaucoup de m'aider
c'est trop trop dure, enfin, j'ai fait ce que j'ai pu
Si quelqu'un pouvait finir la correction car c'est la fin des vacances et je vais devoir rendre la rédaction : je commence à m'inquiêter sérieusement.
Vous m'aidez vraiment beaucoup, merci encore.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 24-04-2009 à 09:38:31 (S | E)
A l'aide, il doit y avoir encore plein de fautes, aidez moi s'il vous plait.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 25-04-2009 à 11:16:20 (S | E)
Aidez MOI please!!
Réponse: Correction rédaction de mawoubelle, postée le 26-04-2009 à 22:12:03 (S | E)
Charlemagne91 je ne comprends pas vraiment pourquoi tu veux que ton essai soit parfait à partit du moment où ta/ton prof doit maintenant bien connaitre ton niveau d'anglais (on est quasimment en Mai)et elle/il se rendra forcemment compte que ce n'est pas ton travail, cela ne te rendrait donc pas service.
Je pense que ton essai est largement amélioré (jespère que tu as retenu les corrections).
Cordialement.
Réponse: Correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 28-04-2009 à 19:13:01 (S | E)
OK, merci beaucoup pour tout
