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Blanche-Neige /Correction (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Blanche-Neige /Correction
Message de paulines posté le 08-05-2009 à 19:59:32 (S | E | F)

Bonsoir,j'ai redigé(e) un texte parodique sur un conte pour mon cours d'anglais. J'ai choisi Blanche Neige et les septs nains !
Serait-il possible d'avoir une correction ? s'il vous plaît.
Merci.

Black Coal

A queen was upset to haven't child. A summer day while she was chatting on line on meetic.com,she banged her head on her screen,irrateted by the slowness of her computer.
A drop of blood fell on the keyboard. "Ah!" The queens says it herself, "If i had a child,i would want him with the complexion black as the coal,the lips red like blood and the hair fair-haired as the grains".

A while later,she gives birth to a girl as she wished it. The baby,whom she called,Black Coal,was of an incomparable hideousness.
So one day, the queen's magical mirror who habitually answered her that she was the ugliest of the kingdom said to her that it was Black Coal the most ugly.
The queen,mad of jealousy,decide to kill her daughter. She called a bodyguard,whom she had especially imported from Romania.
Celui-ci , in front of so much ugliness , could not to kill Black Coal.
He was abandoned her in the wood and showed to the queen, the heart of any animal as being that of the princess. The queen le crut,made cook the heart, add sauce and devoured it.

Wandering in the wood,Black Coal discovered a splendid villa, in the tip of technology,with 43 bedrooms,26 bathrooms and 18 swimming pools, she entered it to live it up and then have a rest.
It was the residence of 7 Drag queens who touched by her story and her hideousness, agreed to lodge her and to hide her in exchange of services.

Because of a knickers; that a day a rottweiler had stolen Black Coal, that the queen learnt that she was still alive. The mirror confirmed her.
She made torture then dislocate the Romanian bodyguard. She ask then a trustworthy maidservant to introduce as a poor seller to Black Coal and to kill her...

This last one wasn't wary and bought her twice objects which tried to kill her.The first was a cute poodle of apparence, but which showed itself of an extreme violence in reality.
It got ready to shred Black Coal when the seven drag queens came back from the Red Mill,where they worked, and blew up the poodle with a bazooka.
The second was a dress of sumptuous apparence but which squeezed up on her, as soon as she put on her, therefore she could not breathe any more.
Once again, the seven drag queens arrived on time and cut up the dress with a chain saw.

The queens,angry at this failure, decided for the third try of murder,to play herself the sellen and succeeds in making her eat a poisoned kiwi.
Black Coal fell inanimate. Not being able this time to save her, the seven drag queens,aggrieved,made her a coofin of cheddar that they put on a hill so that all living beings could come to admire it.

A prince,who went his jogging thereabouts, fell in love of Black Coal.He acquired the permission of the drag queens to take the princess.
The prince could not cease considering her along the way.But on the way,the attendant who carried Black Coal,exasperated,gave a blow in the back of Black Coal,askingwhy he could stand it because of a dead.
It evicted the piece of kiwi wedged in the corner in the throat , which woke up the girl.

The prince,then asked her in wedding. She accepted because she had fallen under the spell.
Invited to the wedding, the mediocre queen was forced to wear iron court shoes, heated to fire and to dance until she dies.

And they lived happy for ever.

-------------------
Modifié par bridg le 08-05-2009 20:09
+ titre


Réponse: Blanche-Neige /Correction de bree, postée le 09-05-2009 à 13:41:22 (S | E)
Black Coal
A queen was upset not to have a child. A summer day while she was chatting on line on meetic.com,she banged her head on her screen, irritated by the slowness of her computer.
A drop of blood fell on the keyboard. "Ah!" The queen told herself , "If i had a child ,i would want him to have a complexion as black as the coal, blood red lips and the hair fair-haired as the grains".

A while later,she gave ( parce-que si tu commences au passé ma prof m’a dit qu’on respecte le meme temps) birth to a girl as she wished it. The baby,whom she called,Black Coal,was of an incomparable ugliness.(si c’est bien laideur que tu veux dire)
So one day, the queen's magic( si c’est un adjectif) mirror which (pour un objet) habitually answered her that she was the ugliest woman(il manquait un mot je pense) of the kingdom told her ( j’ai vu en cours qu’au passé on disait pas said to sb mais tell sb mais tu peux dire said that ..) that Black Coal was ( tu avais mis it et la fille c’est une personne alors j’ai changé la structure ) the most ugly( par contre tout à l’heure tu as mis ugliest et la tu mets avec most ?? )
The queen , green with envy ( ça veut dire verte de jalousie expression anglaise ), decided to kill her daughter. She called a bodyguard,whom she had especially imported from Romania.
This one , in front of so much ugliness , couldn’t (pas de to) kill Black Coal.
He abandoned (pas de was)her in the wood and showed (pas de to c’est to show sb)the queen the heart of an (any c’est dans les questions ou negation ) animal as being the one of the princess. The queen believed him , cooked it heart, added sauce and devoured it.

Wandering in the wood,Black Coal discovered a splendid high technology villa ,with 43 bedrooms,26 bathrooms and 18 swimming pools, she entered to have some rest. ( tu es sure pour live it up (ça veut dire faire la noce)
It was the residence of 7 Drag queens who have been so touched by her story and her hideousness( ça n’y ai pas sur les dictionnaire ce mot ), that they agreed to lodge and hide her in exchange of favors

One day the queen learnt that her daughter was still alive because of a rottweiler which had stolen knickers from Black coat . The mirror confirmed it to her.
She tortured the Romanian bodyguard and then banished him( si tu voulais bien dire banir ^^ dsl aussi non). She asked then a trustworthy maidservant to introduce as a poor seller to Black Coal and to kill her...( je comprends pas trop cette phrase)

This last one wasn't wary and bought her twice objects which tried to kill her.The first was seemingly a cute poodle, but which showed itself of an extreme violence in reality. (c’est etrange la structure mais comme tu as mis directement en anglais des fois on sait pas ce que tu veux dire)
It got ready to shred si c’est mordre c’est plutot bite Black Coal when the seven drag queens came back from the Red Mill,where they worked, and blew up the poodle with a bazooka. (DSL JE N’AI PAS LE TEMPS DE CONTINUER LA JE DOIS PARTIR JE POSTE DEJA ça ) j’espere que quelques trucs t’ont aidé



Réponse: Blanche-Neige /Correction de paulines, postée le 11-05-2009 à 18:20:23 (S | E)
merci!
Quelqu'un d'autre pourrait continuer ou m'affirmer que c'est bon ?
merci



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