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Texte-correction

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Texte-correction
Message de peyton483 posté le 20-12-2010 à 00:32:25 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir à tous!
Je dois rendre un essai en anglais sur le thème suivant: en tant qu'adolescent, selon vous, à quel point est-ce difficile de contrôler ses achats, de résister à la tentation dans notre société de consommation? Pouvez-vous m'indiquer les faiblesses de mon texte? Il me manque quelques phrases de conclusion que j'ajouterai prochainement.Je précise que j'ai ajouté des "/" quand j'hésitais entre deux formulations. Selon vous, laquelle convient le mieux (ou autre)?
Merci beaucoup!!!!!!!

 Nowadays, products we can hardly imagine are sold: you can get what you want from the state-of-the-art technology to the trendiest clothes including useless toys/gadgets. There are always new items on the market especially created to appeal teenagers. For instance, thanks to the endless progress in new technologies, there is a flow of new video games every year, always more efficient, more designer and with new functionalities, which make old fashioned those of the previous years. In fashion, the principle is the same: the Spanish fashion brand Zara releases a new collection every month in order to keep a at the cutting edge of fashion/trendy brand image and above all to push people in buying items straight away and to force them to come back again and again. Those kinds of brands also use the sales and the private sales (exclusively for regular customers) as a way to entice people into buying, quickly: everyone is looking/hunting for bargains and it is consequently hard to resist since people believe that they are actually saving money. Then, a real long-lasting customer relationship can emerge, that is what we call brand loyalty. 

Not only brands try to attract us releasing/launching new products, they also bring huge commercial campaigns into play which make advertizing impossible to avoid. Indeed, the amount of advertising and marketing we are exposed to daily has exploded over the past decade: studies show, that on average we see 3,000 ads per day, whether on giant billboards, in the movie theatre or on TV. Moreover, those last years have seen the spread of ads on Internet. Now, it is difficult, almost impossible, not to come across targeted/personalized commercials when you are surfing the Internet. Then, with a simple click –and a credit card/visa – you can buy what you want on online shopping site. This appearance of simplicity in purchasing can be a danger for teens: as most of them have visa or pocket money, temptation is high and it is not rare to see teenagers getting into trouble because of compulsive purchases.

Advertizing is also a way to convince the youth that they really need those items: buying/purchasing a branded product, it is being truly “cool” for a teenager. In fact, marketers can use celebrities (to advertize a product) as product hucksters and making it appealing for teens. So the product becomes a “must-have”: not wearing or having it sounds like being old-fashioned, a looser. That peer pressure is especially present/noticeable in high schools where appearance is essential to fit in with the “cool people”. 

Nevertheless, asserting/saying that teenagers cannot resist temptation in our consumer society would be a mistake and a cliché. Most of them are conscious/aware of the brands’ strategy of hyping and know what they really need. In addition, some obstacles refrain from the urge of purchasing: most of the time, teenagers do not get so much with pocket money so they cannot afford buying as the fancy takes them. Since the parents hold the money, they remain the one who take the decisions even if child’s pressure can be high. 

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Modifié par lucile83 le 20-12-2010 08:00

Mise en forme standard



Réponse: Texte-correction de dsmith, postée le 20-12-2010 à 02:19:00 (S | E)
Nowadays, products we can hardly imagine are sold: you can get what you want from the state-of-the-art technology to the trendiest clothes including useless toys/gadgets. There are always new items on the market especially created to appeal (appeal is followed by "to") teenagers. For instance, thanks to the endless progress in new technologies, there is a flow of new video games every year, always more efficient, more designer and with new functionalities, which make old fashioned (they aren't really old but "obsolete") those of the previous years. In fashion, the principle is the same: the Spanish fashion brand Zara releases a new collection every month in order to keep a at the cutting edge of fashion/trendy brand image and above all to push people into buying items straight away and to force them to come back again and again. Those kinds of brands also use the sales and the private sales (exclusively for regular customers) as a way to entice people into buying, quickly: everyone is looking/hunting for bargains and it is consequently hard to resist since people believe that they are actually saving money. Then, a real long-lasting customer relationship can emerge, that is what we call brand loyalty.



Not only (put after us) brands try to attract us by releasing/launching new products, they also bring huge commercial campaigns into play which make advertizing impossible to avoid. Indeed, the amount of advertising and marketing we are exposed to daily has exploded over the past decade: studies show, that on average we see 3,000 ads per day, whether on giant billboards, in the movie theatre or on TV. Moreover, those last years have seen the spread of ads on (need the definitive article) Internet. Now, it is difficult, almost impossible, not to come across targeted/personalized commercials when you are surfing the Internet. Then, with a simple click –and a credit card/visa – you can buy what you want on online shopping sites. This appearance of simplicity in purchasing can be a danger for teens: as most of them have visas or pocket money, temptation is high and it is not rare to see teenagers getting into trouble because of compulsive purchases.



Advertizing is also a way to convince the youth that they really need those items: buying/purchasing a branded product, it is being truly “cool” for a teenager. In fact, marketers can use celebrities (to advertize a product) as product hucksters and making it appealing for teens. So the product becomes a “must-have”: not wearing or having it sounds like being old-fashioned, a looser. That peer pressure is especially present/noticeable (either) in high schools where appearance is essential to fit in with the “cool people”.


Nevertheless, asserting/saying (either) that teenagers cannot resist temptation in our consumer society would be a mistake and a cliché. Most of them are conscious/aware (either) of the brands’ strategy of hyping and know what they really need. In addition, some obstacles refrain from ("reduce the"?) the urge of purchasing: most of the time, teenagers do not get (have) so much with pocket money so they cannot afford buying as the fancy takes them. Since the parents hold the money, they remain the one who take (make) the decisions even if a child’s pressure can be high.

Excellent - only a few minor changes needed!



Réponse: Texte-correction de peyton483, postée le 20-12-2010 à 10:42:29 (S | E)
Merci dsmith!

Je propose ceci, selon vos suggestions:

- "created to appeal to teenagers"
- "which make obsolete those of the previous years"
- "to keep an at the cutting edge of fashion/trendy brand image". Par contre, le "at a cutting edge of fashion" n'est pas trop lourd? Ne faut-il pas mieux privilégier "trendy" ou pensez-vous que les deux conviennent également?
- "to push people into buying items"
- "everyone is hunting for bargains"
- "Brands try to attract us not only by releasing/launching new products". Les verbes "release" et "launch" conviennent également?
- "on the Internet"
- "and a credit card"
- "on online shopping sites"
- "most of them have visas"
- "to convince youth "
- "some obstacles reduce the urge of purchasing" (ou: some obstacles make us refrain from the urge of purchasing?)
- "teenagers do not have so much pocket money"
- "the one who make the decisions "
- "even if a child’s pressure can be high"



Réponse: Texte-correction de peyton483, postée le 20-12-2010 à 20:57:31 (S | E)
J'ajoute ma petite conclusion:


Marketers have understood it well: targeting teenagers is the best way to make profits. Indeed, in our society, everything is on sales and the customers the most inclined to buy are teens. However, whereas we are living in a real “brandscape”, more and more adults are getting into debts. Who is to blame?



Réponse: Texte-correction de dsmith, postée le 21-12-2010 à 03:58:43 (S | E)
Peyton483,

"to keep an at the cutting edge of fashion/trendy brand image"

soit "to keep a trendy brand image" ou "to keep at the cutting edge of fashion" - pas les deux. Pas "an at"

"Brands try to attract us not only by releasing/launching new products". Les verbes "release" et "launch" conviennent également? Oui les deux conviennent également.

"some obstacles reduce the urge of purchasing" (ou: some obstacles make us refrain from the urge of purchasing?) plutot - these obstacles can make us refrain from purchasing... To refrain from doing someing is a choice. It is hard to refrain from an urge. An urge implies a feeling beyond our control, whereas to refrain implies that it is in our control - so they don't really go together. "some obstacles can inhibit the urge to purchase:..." inhibit, restrain, prevent, discourage, are all synonyms.


Marketers have understood it well: targeting teenagers is often the best way to make profits. (some products are not targeted at teenagers) Indeed, in our society, everything is on sales (je ne comprends pas - everything is based on sales? ou everything is on sale...) and the customers the most inclined to buy are teens. However, whereas we are living in a real “brandscape”, more and more adults are getting into debts. Who is to blame?

Je ne vois pas vraiment la connection entre "brandscape" et les adultes. Le texte est sur les adolescents pas les adultes. Pourquoi finir avec ça? Par contre le mot "brandscape" est créatif. Je l'aime bien. "whereas" implique que tu vas donné quelque chose au contraire après cette phrase. Lien Internet





Réponse: Texte-correction de peyton483, postée le 21-12-2010 à 20:05:39 (S | E)
Thank you for your answer.

-Si je conserve "to keep at the cutting edge of fashion and above all..." cela veut dire "pour rester à la pointe de la mode"? Il n'est pas nécessaire de rajouter quelque chose après?

-"these obstacles can make us refrain from purchasing" ou "some obstacles can inhibit the urge to purchase", je ne me suis pas encore décidée pour l'un ou l'autre mais merci

- pour la conclusion, j'avouerais d'abord que je ne trouve pas l'inspiration... Par rapport aux adultes, j'avais pensé dire que ces derniers sont souvent endettés et que cela résulte finalement d'une pratique durant l'adolescence où dès cet âge on est poussé à acheter par les marques. Donc le "who's to blame" fait référence aux marques et à leur campagne publicitaire agressive. Mais je pense ne m'être pas bien exprimée. Avez-vous une idée pour dire cela plus clairement?
Ce qui me gêne également c'est que je dois faire 350 mots (400 grand max) et j'en suis à...591 :S Donc il faut que j'essaye d'être plutôt concise sur la conclusion! (et il faut également que je supprime quelques éléments malheureusement).

- oui je voulais bien dire "être à vendre", je me suis trompée c'est "to be on sale"

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Modifié par peyton483 le 21-12-2010 21:23





Réponse: Texte-correction de dsmith, postée le 22-12-2010 à 09:01:19 (S | E)
Hello,

-Si je conserve "to keep at the cutting edge of fashion and above all..." cela veut dire "pour rester à la pointe de la mode"? Il n'est pas nécessaire de rajouter quelque chose après? Yes, this is good. Le plus souvent je vois "to keep on the cutting edge" mais je comprends très bien keep at the cutting edge. J'ai aussi trouvé sur l'internet "keep up with the cutting edge" et "keep to the cutting edge" - alors il n'y a pas une seule façon de le dire.

For the conclusion. Why don't you say that what teenagers learn about spending can effect their lives as adults. As they grow older many of them end up in debt because they didn't learn good habits when they were young. Who's to blame? is a good way to end it.

Doug



Réponse: Texte-correction de peyton483, postée le 22-12-2010 à 10:15:54 (S | E)
Alors

- je prends définitivement, "the Spanish brand Zara releases a new collection every month in order to keep on the cutting edge of fashion ..."
- on peut autant utiliser "on the net" que "on the Internet"?
- et merci pour la conclusion! J'ai gardé mes deux premières phrases en rajoutant ensuite vos idées. Par contre, dans cette phrase "what teenagers learn about spending can effect their lives as adults" ne faudrait-il pas plutôt dire "affect"?

Merci beaucoup dsmith pour votre aide!

Passez de bonnes fêtes de fin d'année

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Modifié par peyton483 le 22-12-2010 10:33



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Modifié par peyton483 le 22-12-2010 10:38






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