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Correction/ about disease

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction/ about disease
Message de dodiii posté le 05-09-2011 à 19:57:23 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,

Je dois réaliser un essai en anglais. Avant de l'envoyer, j'aimerais que vous y jetiez un coup d'oeil.
Merci d'avance.

In a courant optometrist’s life, some cases are significant. This can change someone threw his personality and his practice. As far as I’m concerned, the case which changed my behavior was myasthenia gravis. How did this disease impact me personally and as a professional? It gave me the chance to realize the importance of our profession and also of the diagnosis for the patients.

[...]

I became aware of the importance of our profession since this experience. We must give the right management to a patient presenting an eye disease in order to preserve his healthy living. Indeed, a diagnosis is a heavy responsibility with consequences. That’s why, It’s important and useful to get a good knowledge in our practice. Moreover, if I haven’t done all the eye tests, there was a chance to miss the diagnosis. So, we must work carefully with a good management.

The myasthenia gravis case impacted me personally and as a professional. I figured out of the importance of the optometrist and the risks of practicing without knowledge. That’s why, I need to pass a Doctor of Optometry program in the U.S. to improve my practice."


-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 05-09-2011 20:10


Réponse: Correction/ about disease de gerondif, postée le 06-09-2011 à 18:02:58 (S | E)
Bonjour,
certains mots dans votre texte sentent le traducteur automatique comme "courant" et "to pass" qui signifie réussir un examen .

Considérez un examen comme une barre de saut en hauteur:
I passed my exam: j'ai réussi mon examen.
I failed my exam: j'ai échoué à mon éxamen.
to take an exam: se présenter à, "passer" un examen: pensez que vous prenez(take) votre stylo pour écrire sur votre copie.

In a courant optometrist’s life, some cases are significant. This can change someone threw his personality and his practice. As far as I’m concerned, the case which changed my behavior was myasthenia gravis. How did this disease impact me personally and as a professional? It gave me the chance (opportunity) to realize the importance of our profession and also of the diagnosis for the patients.

[...]

I became (avec since, il faut un present perfect: exemple: I have become cautious since my accident) aware of the importance of our profession since this experience. We must give the right management(je ne suis pas sûr que ce mot convienne pour un traitement) to a patient presenting an eye disease in order to preserve his healthy living (sonne bizarre: pour moi "a healthy living" is when somebody eats correctly and practises some sport. vous voulez préserver sa santé, pas son mode de vie sain) Indeed, a diagnosis is a heavy responsibility with consequences. That’s why,(virgule en trop) It’s important and useful to get a good knowledge in our practice. Moreover, if I haven’t done all the eye tests(je pense qu'il faut un plus que parfait: si je n'avais pas effectué..), there was(je pense qu'il faut un conditionnel passé: il y aurait eu une chance que je rate mon diagnostic) a chance to miss the diagnosis. So, we must work carefully with a good management(dans quel sens?).

The myasthenia gravis case impacted me personally and as a professional. I figured out (dans quel sens: résoudre une énigme ou se rendre compte, auquel cas to realize suffirait peut-être) of the importance of the optometrist and the risks of practicing without knowledge. That’s why,(virgule en trop) I need to pass a Doctor of Optometry program in the U.S. to improve my practice."

Texte corrigé avec des loupes de force 2! J'ai peut-être raté des maladresses !

Cordialement,

Gérondif.





Réponse: Correction/ about disease de sherry48, postée le 07-09-2011 à 03:33:29 (S | E)
Hello dodiii.
I agree with gerondif...about healthy living, perhaps ...in order to preserve his ability to live a healthy life? Also, I think management should be changed to treatment.

Consider another word for behavior...I think this case changed your way of thinking, not your behavior.
Instead of 'get' a good knowledge, we usually use the verb to have.
A preposition with presents/presenting is usually used in a medical sense... a patient presents with...
Also, consider 'I realized' instead of I figured out. It seems to fit better.
Since you wouldn't practice totally without knowledge, maybe you could insert sufficient/insufficient to make your point.
Sherry



Réponse: Correction/ about disease de dodiii, postée le 07-09-2011 à 13:29:58 (S | E)
Ok thank you for your advice!

Is this right now ?

“For an optometrist, some cases are significant. These experiences can change a personality and a practice. As far as I’m concerned, the case which changed my way of thinking was myasthenia gravis. How did this disease impact me personally and as a professional? It gave me the chance to realize the importance of our profession and also of the diagnosis for the patients.

[...]

I have become aware of the importance of our profession since this experience. We must give the right treatment to a patient presenting an eye disease in order to preserve his ability to live a healthy life. Indeed, a diagnosis is a heavy responsibility with consequences. That’s why it’s important and useful to have a good knowledge in our practice. Moreover, if I hadn’t done all the eye tests, there would have been a chance to miss the diagnosis. So, we must work carefully and prescribing the right treatment.

The myasthenia gravis case impacted me personally and as a professional. I realized the importance of the optometrist and the risks of practicing with an insufficient knowledge. That’s why I need to take a Doctor of Optometry program in the U.S. to improve my practice.”

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 07-09-2011 13:49



Réponse: Correction/ about disease de sherry48, postée le 07-09-2011 à 13:59:29 (S | E)
Hello dodiii.
I think you've made some good changes. I have some more ideas for you to consider.
In this sentence...These experiences can change a personality and a practice...you could also say 'one's personality and practice'.
In this phrase...the importance of our profession and also of the diagnosis for the patients...you could write...also of making the (correct/right) diagnosis... I would also suggest...making a diagnosis is a heavy responsibility.
I think that's all.
Sherry




Réponse: Correction/ about disease de dodiii, postée le 07-09-2011 à 18:14:02 (S | E)
Ok It's done !
Once again thank you to both of you for your advice.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 07-09-2011 18:21



Réponse: Correction/ about disease de gerondif, postée le 07-09-2011 à 18:23:22 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
ne mettez pas advice au pluriel, c'est un mot collectif à sens pluriel:
Thank you for your advice: merci pour vos conseils.
Pour un seul conseil, c'est comme pour du chocolat, on en casse un carreau:
Thank you for this piece of advice.

Une coquille dans votre texte:

So, we must work carefully and prescribing the right treatment.
avec must, vous ne pouvez pas garder ing.





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