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Expression /DAEU A

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Expression /DAEU A
Message de gengo posté le 06-10-2014 à 15:34:06 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous !
Je vais passer le DAEU A (équivalent BAC L) l'an prochain et bien que je n'aie pas encore commencé les cours, je m'entraîne d'ores et déjà avec le sujet d'examen d'anglais de l'an dernier que l'école m'a envoyé. L'an dernier, les élèves ont eu à choisir entre deux sujets d'expression écrite. Voici celui avec lequel j'ai décidé de commencer :

"Everybody should be concerned with protecting our environment and lowering the carbon footprint. What actions could you take in your daily life in order to do that?" (en 250 mots)

Voici ce que j'ai écrit (désolée, c'est assez long ) :

"There are many ways to protect our environment and reduce our carbon footprint. For example, bad driving habits such as driving too fast or accelerating abruptly are causes of a large release of CO2. Bad maintenance of cars is also one of its causes. So, I should always be careful of keeping good driving habits and maintaining my car properly. I should also think about carpooling or, if I only have a small distance to go, biking or walking. Also, if need be to buy a new car, buying a green vehicle such as a plug-in hybrid electric vehicle would be a good idea.

It is also important to be environmentally conscious at home. For example, I should be careful of the type of light bulbs I buy. Compact fluorescent light bulbs and light-emitting diodes are more ecologic and are also less expensive than regular incandescents. It is also important that I keep good, simple habits in my daily life: always shutting the lights when leaving a room, turning the faucet off when brushing my teeth in order to save more water, unplugging electronic items that I don't use in order to prevent energy loss from electricity usage on standby, sorting household waste, recycling old electronic devices, etc.

Also, as shipping burns fuel (which releases pollutants), I should buy local products when possible. Another good idea concerning this matter is to use green postage stamps when sending letters, as these letters will be automatically sent through other means of transportation than planes, which are very polluting as they burn large quantities of fuel."

(A ce sujet, je pense que je répète trop souvent "I should". Je me demande s'il y a des expressions équivalentes ?)
Merci beaucoup !

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 06-10-2014 18:15


Réponse: Expression /DAEU A de hushpuppy, postée le 06-10-2014 à 16:19:59 (S | E)
Bonjour,

"There are many ways to protect our environment and reduce our carbon footprint. For example, bad driving habits such as driving too fast or accelerating abruptly are causes of a large release of CO2 c'est mieux de remplace "large" avec "majeur" et le mettre avant "causes", aussi de refaire "a release of CO2" par omission d'"of" et de l'article. Bad maintenance of cars is also one of its causes. So, I should always be careful of keeping good driving habits and maintaining my car properly. I should also think about carpooling or, if I only have a small on dit un autre mot pour la longuer distance to go, biking or walking. Also, if need be to buy a new car on comprendra que la necessité soit un voiture par la phrase suivante, buying a green vehicle such as a plug-in hybrid electric vehicle would be a good idea.

It is also important to be environmentally conscious at home. For example, I should be careful of the type of light bulbs un seul motI buy. Compact fluorescent light bulbs and light-emitting diodes are more ecologic and are also less expensive than regular incandescents. It is also important that I keep good, simple habits in my daily life: always shutting the lights ___ mot manque when leaving a room, turning the faucet off when brushing my teeth in order to save more water, unplugging electronic items that I don't use in order to prevent energy loss from electricity usage on standby, sorting household waste, recycling old electronic devices, etc.

Also, as shipping burns fuel (which releases pollutants), I should buy local products when possible. Another good idea concerning this matter is to use green postage stamps when sending letters, as these letters will be automatically sent through other utilise un autre mot pour éviter la répétition means of transportation ____ mot manque than planes, which are very polluting as they burn large quantities of fuel."

In place of "I should", you can use "it would be a good idea", "it is important to", etc., but I didn't find that "I should" was too heavy. Very good work in any case, good luck to you



Réponse: Expression /DAEU A de gengo, postée le 06-10-2014 à 16:41:19 (S | E)
Thank you very much for your correction!
Merci d'avoir pris le temps de me corriger

Here is the corrected version:

"There are many ways to protect our environment and reduce our carbon footprint. For example, bad driving habits such as driving too fast or accelerating abruptly are major causes of CO2 emissions. Bad maintenance of cars is also one of its causes. So, I should always be careful of keeping good driving habits and maintaining my car properly. I should also think about carpooling or, if I only have a short distance to go, biking or walking. Also, if need be, buying a green vehicle such as a plug-in hybrid electric vehicle would be a good idea.

It is also important to be environmentally conscious at home. For example, I should be careful of the type of lights I buy. Compact fluorescent lights and light-emitting diodes are more ecologic and are also less expensive than regular incandescents. It is also important that I keep good, simple habits in my daily life: always shutting the lights off when leaving a room, turning the faucet off when brushing my teeth in order to save more water, unplugging electronic items that I don't use in order to prevent energy loss from electricity usage on standby, sorting household waste, recycling old electronic devices, etc.

Also, as shipping burns fuel (which releases pollutants), I should buy local products when possible. Another good idea concerning this matter is to use green postage stamps when sending letters, as these letters will be automatically sent through different means of shipping transportation than planes, which are very polluting as they burn large quantities of fuel."

How is it?



Réponse: Expression /DAEU A de hushpuppy, postée le 06-10-2014 à 17:28:54 (S | E)
"There are many ways to protect our environment and reduce our carbon footprint. For example, bad driving habits such as driving too fast or accelerating abruptly are major causes of CO2 emissions. Bad maintenance of cars is also one of its causes. So, I should always be careful of keeping good driving habits and maintaining my car properly. I should also think about carpooling or, if I only have a short distance to go, biking or walking. Also, if need be, buying a green vehicle such as a plug-in hybrid electric vehicle would be a good idea.

It is also important to be environmentally conscious at home. For example, I should be careful of the type of lightbulbs I buy. Compact fluorescent lightbulbs and light-emitting diodes are more ecologic and are also less expensive than regular incandescents. It is also important that I keep good, simple habits in my daily life: always shutting the lights off when leaving a room, turning the faucet off when brushing my teeth in order to save more water, unplugging electronic items that I don't use in order to prevent energy loss from electricity usage on standby, sorting household waste, recycling old electronic devices, etc.

Also, as shipping burns fuel (which releases pollutants), I should buy local products when possible. Another good idea concerning this matter is to use green postage stamps when sending letters, as these letters will be automatically sent through different means of shipping transportation _____ mot manque ici than planes, which are very polluting as they burn large quantities of fuel." il y a deux mots pour une comparaison, c'est "----- than" et il y avais une raison qu'il y aurait une répétition



Réponse: Expression /DAEU A de tdu6300, postée le 06-10-2014 à 18:57:28 (S | E)
Hello

En bleu, les points sur lesquels portent mes remarques.
XXX = Mot manquant
Mes remarques sont entre parenthèses sauf celles qui portent sur le texte en général et que j'ai isolées à la fin, après une série de tirets ---

"There are many ways to protect our environment and reduce our carbon footprint. For example, bad driving habits such as driving too fast or accelerating abruptly are causes of a large release of CO2. (There may be a means to avoid the repetition of “causes” in the next sentence by simply removing this one and only use “release”) Bad maintenance of cars is also one of its causes. So, I should always be careful of (I am not sure about “of”, but I may need a more expert advice) keeping good driving habits and maintaining my car properly. I should also think about carpooling or, if I only have a small (or another word beginning with “s”) distance to go, biking or walking. Also, if need be to buy a new car, (I would write it in a simpler and more direct manner and avoid repeating buy/buying) buying a green vehicle such as a plug-in hybrid electric vehicle would be a good idea.

It is also important to be environmentally conscious at home. For example, I should be careful of the type of light bulbs I buy. Compact fluorescent light bulbs and light-emitting diodes are more ecologic and are also less expensive than regular incandescents XXXX. It is also important that I keep good, simple habits in my daily life: always shutting the lights when leaving a room, turning the faucet off when brushing my teeth in order to save more (“more” is here to stress your point, but as it is the first time you mention water, it seems a bit unnecessary) water, unplugging electronic items that (“that” is correct, but you may lighten your sentence by getting rid of it) I don't use in order to prevent energy loss from electricity usage on standby (I have a little doubt about that construction), sorting household waste, recycling old electronic devices, etc.

Also, as shipping burns fuel (which releases pollutants), I should buy local products when possible. Another good idea concerning this matter is to use green postage stamps when sending letters, as these letters (You can avoid repeating "letters") will be automatically sent through other means of transportation than planes, which are very polluting as they burn large quantities of fuel."

---
As you say, “should” is often used in your text, so it may be a good idea to change some of your sentences.
From my point of view, its main weakness resides in the fact that it lacks a bit of originality. It looks like a catalogue of good intentions no one ever put into practice. I can imagine the corrector feeling brain dead after a few copies of that kind. But I am also conscious that 250 words is not a lot and it’s difficult to do better. Note that your text is slightly over that number. Besides, it is not mandatory to make something specifically original. Overall, I think it’s a very good work, and I had to rack my brains to try to say something pertinent about it. You even taught me the word “faucet”. Bravo!

More knowledgeable people may give you a better advice.

Best regards.



Réponse: Expression /DAEU A de gengo, postée le 06-10-2014 à 20:38:04 (S | E)
To hushpuppy : Thank you again for your help!
Oh! I'm surprised, I always thought that "lightbulb" was made of two separated words! :o Thank you for correcting my mistake!
Might it be “rather than”?

To tdu6300 : Thank you for your correction!
I also think it lacks originality but, as it’s originally an exam exercise, I wrote it as I would have written it if I were taking the exam. In this configuration, you can’t really play the originality card, I think (or at least I can’t, it seems! haha). Thank you for your advice!



Réponse: Expression /DAEU A de hushpuppy, postée le 06-10-2014 à 20:45:41 (S | E)
You're yes, we have many compound words, and to be even more confusing, we sometimes use them as one word and sometimes as two You may use "rather than", but "other than" somehow sounds easier to my ears. I suppose that will be your choice. I must tell you, your use of punctuation is impeccable. It was a real pleasure to read your excerpt.

-------------------
Modifié par hushpuppy le 07-10-2014 05:26
Ok, so this "rather than" versus "other than" bothered me while I was working this evening. I felt the need to clarify, so here it is. If you do use "rather than", be sure to follow it with a verb, such as "using", so "...different means of transportation rather than using planes..." because otherwise it sounds as if planes are excluded from being a type of transportation, and, by using the verb, you are instead excluding it from the action (in this case, "using"). If you use "other than", it is fine without the verb, because it implies using an alternative type of transportation.




Réponse: Expression /DAEU A de gengo, postée le 07-10-2014 à 13:38:23 (S | E)
Thank you very much for your explanation! I think I will use "other than".
I am glad to know that you enjoyed reading it!




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