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Correction/espaces and exchanges

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction/espaces and exchanges
Message de mimie29 posté le 17-04-2017 à 10:06:53 (S | E | F)
Bonjour !
Je suis en Terminale S et je passe mes oraux d'anglais début mai. J'aimerais de l'aide pour corriger mon texte.
Merci beaucoup d'avance pour votre aide !

Espaces and exchanges
In 1865, the Civil War ended but there were few ressources left on the East coast. The booming population needed food. By 1868, the railroad had spread to Kansas but it hadn't reached Texas. There were 6 million cattle 1 000 miles away from the railroad. So the job of cowboy was created. Poor young men from the South, looking for adventure, started taking the cattle to the railroad. But, Indians didn't accept white people on their territory and white peole considered Indians as savages. So, we will answer the question '' Why were the relationship between white people and Indians complicated ?''. First, I will talk about the Conquest of the West and then, I will analyze the relationship between the Indians and white people.

Firstly, I will talk about the Conquest of the West. In the painting ''Spirit of the Frontier'' of John Gast, we can see indians, cowboys and pioneers who are going to the West. They have several means of transport : wagons, stagecoaches, horses, train, and boats on rivers. A woman looking like a goddess set up the telegraph wire because the conquest of the West required a new means of communication between the East and the West. As we can understand in the title, the frontier between the United States and the wilderness is moving forward. So, the painting represents the expansion of the US. Then, the trailer of ''How the West was won'', give an idealistic vision of the conquest of the West. It looks easy and fun. But, in fact, Indians were slaughtered by the conquest. This is why they are not among the main characters.
So, the Conquest of the West allowed to enlarge the US' territory. But, when pioneers and cowboys arrived, they decided to murder Indians.

Secondly, I will analyze the relationship between the Indians and white people. In some extracts of the movie ''Dances with wolves'', we can see that the relationship between the Indians and the pioneers were tensed and usually verry violent. Indeed, the Indians were nomads and they hunted buffaloes or fished. The arrival of white people was a danger to buffaloes, so a danger to Indians. Pioneers considered themselves as good americans and they believed Indians were savages. Then, in an extract of ''Lonesome Dove'', we are attend an encounter between a cowboy and some Indians. The cowboy thinks Indians want to kill him but, actually, they just want to show him the way because he is lost. The narrator shows white people were prejudiced against Indians. The relationship could be peaceful if no one attacked the other one.
So, the relationship between the Indians and white people were tensed because they didn't have the same way of life, but, they could live in harmony if they made an effort.

To conclude, in the 19th century, the relationship between white people and the Indians were complicated because, with the Conquest of the West, the american territory kept expanding and white people threatened the Indians' way of life. However, if no one attacked the other one, they could live together, in peace and in harmony.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 17-04-2017 11:36


Réponse : Correction/espaces and exchanges de here4u, postée le 17-04-2017 à 10:45:53 (S | E)
Hello !

Souligné = maladroit, peu idiomatique. XXX = éléments manquants.

Espaces and exchanges

In 1865, the Civil War ended but there were few ressources left on the East ? coast. The booming population needed food. By 1868, the railroad had spread to Kansas but it hadn't reached Texas. There were 6 million heads of cattle 1,000 miles away from the railroad. So the job of cowboy was created. Poor young men from the South, looking for adventure, started taking the cattle to the railroad. But, Indians didn't accept white people on their territory and white peole considered Indians as savages. So, we will answer the question '' Why were the relationship between white people and Indians complicated ?'(Why, indeed? ). First, I will talk about the Conquest of the West and then, I will analyze the relationship between the Indians and white people.

Firstly, I will talk about the Conquest of the West. In the painting ''Spirit of the Frontier'' of John Gast, we can see indians, cowboys and pioneers who are going (to the) West. They have several means of transport : wagons, stagecoaches, horses, trainS, and boats on rivers. A woman looking like a goddess set up the telegraph wire because the conquest of the West required a new means of communication between the East and the West. As we can understand in the title, "the frontier" between the United States and the wilderness is moving ? forward(wstward!). So, the painting represents the expansion of the US. Then, the trailer of ''How the West was won'', give an idealistic vision of the conquest of the West. It looks easy and fun. But, in fact, Indians were slaughtered by the conquest. This is why they are not among the main characters.
So, the Conquest of the West allowed to enlarge the US territory. But, when pioneers and cowboys arrived, they decided to murder Indians. (not clear at all... Why? )

Secondly, I will analyze the relationship between the Indians and white people. In some extracts of the movie ''Dances with wolves'', we can see that the relationship between the Indians and the pioneers were tensed and usually verry violent. Indeed, the Indians were nomads and they hunted buffaloes or fished. The arrival of white people was a danger to buffaloes, so a danger to Indians. Pioneers considered themselves as good americans and they believed Indians were savages. Then, in an extract of ''Lonesome Dove'', we are attend an encounter between a cowboy and some Indians. The cowboy thinks Indians want to kill him but, actually, they just want to show him the way because he is lost. The narrator shows white people were prejudiced against Indians. The relationship could be peaceful if no one attacked the other one.
So, the relationship between the Indians and white people were tensed because they didn't have the same way of life, but, they could live in harmony if they made an effort.

To conclude, in the 19th century, the relationship between white people and the Indians were complicated because, with the Conquest of the West, the american territory kept expanding and white people threatened the Indians' way of life. However, if no one attacked the other one, they could live together, in peace and in harmony.

(Attention! Indians = Native Americans... ce qui répond déjà sans doute en partie à la problématique ...)




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