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Suite correction rédaction (1)

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Suite correction rédaction
Message de charlemagne91 posté le 26-04-2009 à 13:37:09 (S | E | F)

Bonjour,
voilà, demain c'est la rentrée et je commence à stresser car je vais dans quelques jours devoir rendre ma rédaction.
cela fait une semaine que je tente de la corriger sur le forum et j'arrive à cette version:

In the early 20th Century, Olivier Rahamadj and Clotilde Ajaya-Boeidjin lived in a small Town in the south- west of India: Panaji. Olivier was working in a wretched farm and Clotilde was a cheap labour force("labourer").
But one day, Clotilde decided to fulfil her dream and to go to the USA. She wanted to change her live and to sail away to New-York with Olivier.

Clotilde perceived Olivier in a bench and ran. Je veux dire : clotilde aperçoit O sur un banc et court(vers lui je ne sais pas comment dire). She murmured:”beautiful weather isn’t it? “
“Yes “, Olivier grumbled.
She added cheerfully: “I’m tired of poverty; I wish to realizing the American Dream! You will be ready, Won’t you? “
He sighed: “you see I’d rather to ?? stay in India! “
“What? “She blinked and retorted(cligner des yeux) you know how poor we are, we wear shabby clothes, and live miserably. “
Oliver moaned:» yes, but I’ve got my family in India, Akshara and Manju my two sisters.
Clotilde frowed and sat down on the bench: “I will help you. I’ve (got) some silver; we’ll take a paddle steamer to sail from India to America and will go to Ellis Island. I known ?? a friend who went to America. It’s a true paradise” she expounded sincerely.
”You will?(pourquoi pas.. why not "want to" la prof aime les interos négatives alors si c'est bon j'aimerai la garder...) change your live?, won’t you?, Oliver mumbled. Why not. You will discover America whereas I fell like to stay here! That’s why, if you go to America, you go alone”, he boomed rudely(pourquoi pas, cela dépend de ce que vous voulez exprimer..).
Clotilde started weeping and wailed “but living in America is better than living in India. You will have a job, a nice house and you can support you. I rely on you!
He maintained scornfully: “Do you speak English? Are you Skilled?... No! You must("will have to" est ce que je peux garger must pour éviter une répetition?)) start from scratch and move forward. It’s too difficult for You…
Clotilde gaped at(revoir la position de ces verbes introducteurs de discours direct!) “Do you think that I’m unable to adjust(to) a new live? Actually, I fell like reaching my goal!
Oliver gazed at Clotilde and sighed: “as you wish…could you to paiy for my crossing?
“Yes! she answered. You will come, won’t you ?
“You can’t be serious” he said uneasily. Olivier was struck.
“Such("I am!")comment on dit "si!"”! Clotilde declared self-assured.
Olivier was strong-willed and complained:» Even if I dislike being uprooted, I’ll go with you to America!
“Marvellous! We left(pourquoi du passé?) Panaji to morrow to reach America! Pack your luggage!.”

Oliver winced and stood up. He waved good bye, Clotilde nodded.
She stayed since 3 hours on that bench, she was daydreaming.

Il doit rester encore beaucoup de fautes, est-ce qu'il y aurait quelqu'un qui pourrait finir la correction, merci beaucoup d'avance



Réponse: Suite correction rédaction de laure95, postée le 27-04-2009 à 11:16:11 (S | E)
Bonjour, voici encore quelques petites choses à corriger:
In the early 20th Century, Olivier Rahamadj and Clotilde Ajaya-Boeidjin lived in a small Town in the south- west of India: Panaji. Olivier was working in a wretched farm and Clotilde was a cheap labour force("labourer").
But one day, Clotilde decided to fulfil her dream and to go to the USA. She wanted to change her live (live: verbe) and to sail away to New-York with Olivier.

Clotilde perceived (SEE ou si c'est bref: catch sight of) Olivier in a bench and ran.She murmured:”beautiful weather isn’t it? “
“Yes “, Olivier grumbled.
She added cheerfully: “I’m tired of poverty; I wish to realizing (I WISH + SUJET + VERBE AU PRETERIT) the American Dream (réaliser 1 rêve: to fulfill a dream)! You will (je mettrais le conditionnel) be ready, Won’t you? “
He sighed: “you see I’d rather to ?? stay in India! “
“What? “She blinked and retorted(cligner des yeux: to blink)) you know how poor we are, we wear (present progreesif) shabby clothes, and live miserably. “
Oliver moaned:» yes, but I’ve got my family in India, Akshara and Manju my two sisters.
Clotilde frowned and sat down on the bench: “I will help you. I’ve (got) some silver; we’ll take a paddle steamer to sail from India to America and will go to Ellis Island. I known ?? a friend who went to America. It’s a true paradise” she expounded sincerely.
”You will?(pourquoi pas.. why not: OK) change (WHY NOT + GERONDIF) your live?, won’t you?, Oliver mumbled. Why not. You will discover America whereas I fell like to stay here! That’s why, if you go to America, you go (futur) alone”, he boomed rudely(pourquoi pas, cela dépend de ce que vous voulez exprimer..).
Clotilde started weeping and wailed “but living in America is better than living in India. You will have a job, a nice house and you can support yourself. I rely on you!
He maintained scornfully: “Do you speak English? Are you Skilled?... No! You must("will have to" est ce que je peux garger must pour éviter une répetition?): MUST n'existe qu'au présent start from scratch and move forward. It’s (futur) too difficult for You…
Clotilde gaped at “Do you think that I’m unable to adjust(to) a new live? Actually, I fell like reaching my goal!
Oliver gazed at Clotilde and sighed: “as you wish…could you to paiy for my crossing?
“Yes! she answered. You will come, won’t you ?
“You can’t be serious” he said uneasily. Olivier was struck.
“Such("I am!")comment on dit "si!": But I am”! Clotilde declared to be self-assured.
Olivier was strong-willed and complained:» Even if I dislike being uprooted, I’ll go with you to America!
“Marvellous! We left(pourquoi du passé?: futur) Panaji to morrow (en 1 seul mot) to reach America! Pack your luggage!.”

She stayed since3 hours on that bench (SINCE: point de départ, FOR: durée)


Réponse: Suite correction rédaction de charlemagne91, postée le 27-04-2009 à 18:52:43 (S | E)
Merci vraiment beaucoup Laure95
je corrige ça et je rend jeudi
merci merci merci...
charlemagne


Réponse: Suite correction rédaction de elam39, postée le 27-04-2009 à 19:09:24 (S | E)
Bonjour j'aurais besoin d'aide aucune reponse mais juste une explication clair sil vous plait je dois utiliser neither so et but dans des duos



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