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Aide correctio lettre de motivation (1)

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Aide correctio lettre de motivation
Message de djibril15 posté le 22-05-2009 à 10:49:24 (S | E | F)

Pourriez vous s'il vous plait me corriger cette lettre, c'est très important pour moi. Merci d'avance

Dear Sir or Madam,


I hereby apply for entrance to the Master Programme on Structural Engineering the Cardiff University.

As you know, ENSAM is a Grande école of non-specialized engineer (directed mechanics), what presents the advantage to cover a domain of vast and complete education and give multiple career opportunities. However, as student and future engineer, it does not seem to me possible to intend to work without choosing a specialization which would correspond to me. That is why, to spread me in the field of the engineering, the possibility of doing a training course in Structural Engineering in the Cardiff University constitutes for me a big opportunity.
My formation and my work experiences gave me envy to go farther to the acquisition of knowledge in the sector of the Structural Engineering and I integrated the ENSAM by being aware of choices which would be afterward offered to me to learn Structural Engineering.
The domain of the construction is a domain which interests me for a very long time and for which I think of having the required qualities. What interests me above all in this branch, it is the fact that the domain of application of the Structural Engineering is very vast to meet the needs of the society while insuring the environmental protection. The human aspect is an aspect also which holds me heart, which I was able to glimpse in the ENSAM due to its clubs and societies and it is an aspect inherent to the construction field.

Furthermore, it is necessary to know that the possibility of going to study in United Kingdom and in particular to Cardiff is something important for me. I would love to get in touch with British culture. Despite I have been studying English as second language, I have never had the chance of being in the United Kingdom.
The motivation that I felt to want to leave to United Kingdom led me to maintain diverse correspondences with some friend that I knew in France, and who chose to pursue the studies in United Kingdom. These correspondences with my friend allowed me to make me a rather precise and realistic idea of the context studying in Cardiff.

Know that a positive answer would allow me to continue my professional project, and that I shall know how to show myself as high as the level which will be asked me.

Sincerely Yours.



Réponse: Aide correctio lettre de motivation de andrewfurlow, postée le 22-05-2009 à 20:27:07 (S | E)
Hi! I am new on the site but would like to help. I have a few suggestions:

I am not sure exactly what you are saying in the first sentence, but maybe something like: "As you know, ENSAM is a 'grande école' for non-specialized engineering

"to spread me" : I think you might mean "to expand my knowledge" or "to expand my experience", but "spread" cannot be used with "me" as direct object.

"constitutes for me a big opportunity" : "would be a great opportunity for me"

"formation" : I think the more usual word is "education" or "training"

"gave me envy" : here, "m'a donné envie" would translate as "gave me the desire to" or "inspired me to"

"I integrated the ENSAM" : I am not sure what you mean by this...

"The domain of the construction is a domain which interests me for a very long time and for which I think of having the required qualities." : I think it would make more sense to say "Construction [or, Structural engineering] is a field that has interested me for a long time and for which I think I have the required skills."

"What interests me above all in this branch, it is..." : better to say "What interests me above all in this field is..."

Remove "the" before "structural engineering" and "society" and "environmental protection"

"the fact that the domain of application of the Structural Engineering is very vast to meet the needs of the society" : I am not sure what you mean, but maybe: "the fact that structural engineering has many applications that meet the needs of society"

"also which holds me heart" : "that is also close to my heart" or "that is also important to me"

I would just delete "it is necessary to know that"...so: "Furthermore, the possibility of going to study in the United Kingdom and in Cardiff in particular is important to me."

"Despite" : "Although"

"as second language" : "as a second language"

"had the chance of being" : "had the chance to live"

The next sentence might make more sense as: "My desire to go to the United Kingdom led me to contact a friend who had pursued studies there, which gave me a more precise and realistic idea of what it would be like to study in Cardiff."

"positive answer" : perhaps "positive response"

"that I shall know how to show myself as high as the level which will be asked me" : perhaps "that I will perform at the high level that will be expected of me."

I hope this is helpful. You may want to post the letter again if you make changes, so that others can see.





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