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Correction d'un sujet (1)

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction d'un sujet
Message de chaachaa posté le 22-05-2009 à 23:05:58 (S | E | F)

Bonjour à tous. Pouvez vous me corriger mes fautes en me les expliquant afin que je puisse m'améliorer.
Je vous remercie d'avance.

Thank to the panorama's investigating, I understood that all the garments of primark are not manufactured legally. I'm like everyone, I want to look good and pay less but what is the real human cost?

Primark claims like a lot of department store to pay a living wage to its employees and denies that they exploit children. But in reality her factory are subcontracting part of their garments to sweat shops in backstreet slums. Morever we saw in the panorama investigating children beading garments in a refuge camp. (90) This working condition are the consequences of global trade, in fact the clothing industry has relocated its factories in poor contries to avoid taxes. It's for this reason that primark has unbeatable prices.

In spite of my point of view on store as primark or HM, I would continue to buy because the prices are very interesting and I have no means to buy clothes where the production of which is fair. However in the other shop, garment are more expensive but It doesn't mean that garment are legally produced. Finally I think that this problem cannot be resolved by the buyers, it is the State which has to set up laws to limit child labour And by consequence the low prices.

To conclude, the panorama investigation She allowed to understand the hidden cost of Primark clothes, maybe that in the future I would reduce my consumption of garment in this department store...



Réponse: Correction d'un sujet de autumnleaf, postée le 23-05-2009 à 15:04:25 (S | E)

Thanks to Panorama's investigation, I understand that all the garments of Primark are not manufactured legally. I'm like everyone, I want to look good and pay less but what is the real human cost?

Primark claims like a lot of department stores, to pay a living wage to its employees and denies that they exploit children. But in reality its factories are subcontracting part of their garments to sweat shops in backstreet slums. Moreover, we saw in the Panorama investigation, children beading garments in a refuge camp. (90) These working conditions are the consequences of global trade; in fact the clothing industry has relocated its factories in poor countries to avoid taxes. It's for this reason that Primark has unbeatable prices.

In spite of my point of view on stores such as Primark or H and M, I would continue to shop there because the prices are very cheap and I have no means to buy clothes where the production is fair. However in the other shops, garments are more expensive but it doesn't mean that garments are legally produced. Finally, I think that this problem cannot be resolved by the buyers, it is the State that has to set up laws to limit child labour, and by consequence the low prices.

To conclude, the Panorama investigation allowed us to understand the hidden cost of Primark clothes, maybe in the future I will reduce my consumption of garments in this department store...


‘Thanks’ not ‘Thank’ – you want the noun, not the verb, you are giving thanks, you are not in the process of thanking them.

‘Panorama’, not ‘the panorama’ – there is only one Panorama; you would use ‘the’ if you were talking about a particular Panorama of many possible Panoramas. E.g. “Where’s the apple I bought yesterday?” “I ate the apple” = I ate the particular apple that you’re talking about, there are many apples I could have eaten, but I ate the one you bought yesterday.

‘Panorama’, not ‘panorama’ – it’s a proper noun (because it’s the name of a TV program), they have capital letters at the start.

‘investigation’ not ‘investigating’ – you want the noun, not the verb

‘understand’ not ‘understood’ – you understand now, understood is past tense i.e., you used to understand, but you don’t any more.

‘Primark’ not ‘primark’ – it’s a proper noun. It’s the name of a shop.

‘stores’ not ‘store’ – there’s more than one department store in the world 

‘its factories’ not ‘her factories’ – its because a factory is an object, not a living thing, so (generally) does not have a gender - factories, not factory because I’m sure there’s more than one factory.

‘Moreover’, not ‘morver’ – I’m sure this was just a typing mistake

‘These working conditions’ not ‘This working condition’ – it’s not just one working condition that you’re talking about. There are many many things wrong about the way people work in sweat shops.

‘trade; in fact’ not ‘trade, in fact’ – there’s no word to link them, such as because, and, but…they’re two sentences stuck together rather than one long sentance, so you need a semi colon

‘countries’ not ‘contries’ – spelling
‘stores such as Primark’ not ‘store as primark’ = ‘such as’ means ‘like’ or ‘for exmple’. Stores not store because there;s more than one

‘HM’ do you mean ‘H and M’?

‘continue to shop there’ not ‘continue to buy’ – buy what? You have to say what you would buy, if you use that verb

‘prices are very cheap’ not ‘prices are very interesting’ – I wouldn’t say that they were interesting

‘buy clothes where the production is fair’ not ‘buy clothes where the production of which is fair’ – ‘of which’ is a bit repetitive, because you’re actually saying ‘clothes where the production of clothes is fair’

‘the other shops, garments’ not ‘the other shop, garment’ – more than one shop, more than one garment

‘it’ not ‘It’

‘State that’ not ‘State which’ – which usually follows a comer (as in ‘state, which), but tht would break up your sentence too much, so ‘state that’ makes it flow easier.

‘and’ not ‘And’


Réponse: Correction d'un sujet de autumnleaf, postée le 23-05-2009 à 15:05:07 (S | E)
‘the Panorama investigation allowed us to understand’ ‘the Panorama investigation she allowed to understand’ – the investigation is not a living thing, so is not she. Who did it allow the understanding? Us? Or you? Whichever it is, put that in the sentence (I put ‘us’, but you could equally write ‘me’)

‘maybe in the future’ not ‘maybe that in the future’ – what are you referring to with ‘that’?

‘I will reduce’ not ‘I would reduce’ – would is a conditional tense. For this, you need a condition. E.g. “I would reduce my consumption IF Primark continued to work in an unethical manner”. With no condition, you just need the future tense.

One more thing…I don’t think Primark is a department store…but I could be wrong.



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