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Correction/ devoir d'anglais

<< Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Correction/ devoir d'anglais
Message de makhlouf posté le 20-12-2010 à 14:18:55 (S | E | F)
Hello everybody! I am a French student and I need some help for an English essay. Thanks!


We live in a world where we have to resist to temptation of consumption. Indeed, since we were born, we tirelessly think of buying! This is a consumer habit and companies try to encourage us to splash out and to make our purses suffer or should we say, parents' purses suffer. As a teenager, how difficult it is to resist to temptation?

Children and teenagers are known to be awkward. We always need the new pair of converse, the new Diesel jean and that's not all...! Yet, it is not always beyond our control! Indeed, I agree wholeheartedly with the fact that It is because of temptation that we are attracted by new items. Today, teens are watching TV, surfing on Internet, reading magazines...Therefore, they are confronted with advertisements, the first source of temptation. The commercial advertisements make millions of money because of consumer ignorance in the item. Furthermore, they know how to attract its teens audience for their product. For instance, they use celebrities as muses. By the way, a teenage boy would buy a pink spot pyjama just because Eva Mendes appears in the ad of it. Conversely, a teenage girl will buy a Nespresso machine just because she can't resist to the famous Geroge Cloney's “What else?”. Moreover, when they are watching a famous celebrity put some fashionable clothing on, teens automatically believe that clothes will look good on them and so they go and buy it. They want to look like celebrities. When the commercial advertisements does not use famous people, they use their brands' name and try to convince teenagers to buy items because they sell a meaning for life, a set of values. For example, the Nike commercial which logically shows a sporty men sweating and accesorily wearing Nike shoes, shows at the end of the ad, a sentence which makes a deep impression on us: “Just do it”. That's why we can see that advertisers are the mind manipulators for teenage consumers . But why are we victims of consumption?
Even the most superficial look at this issue raises fundamental answers about it. We are everywhere confronted to items, brands... For instance, at Christmas time, all malls decorate their entrance with toys, toys, and...toys again which is quite normal. But, we can see that sometimes, these toys don't move and stay at the entrance mall for months! It forces parents to do two choices: either they leave children at home, or either they give in and go on buying spree to children's delight! In this way, parents are implicated in consumption temptation because they can't say no facing to their children. They can't resist to them making puppy eyes. I am not the kind of person who coaxes my parents ( except for extreme urgency!) but personally, I think that they encourage us to give in temptation because they can't refuse our wishes.
Speaking personally, I try to be a thrifty teenage girl because I am conscious that we don't need all things in the world. Nevertheless, the less I want, the more my parents buy! I will finish this essay quoting Gandhi: “There is enough on earth for everybody’s need, but not for everyone’s greed."

En vous remerciant par avance!
(De rien ma chère Lucile)

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Modifié par makhlouf le 21-12-2010 15:47





Réponse: Correction/ devoir d'anglais de dsmith, postée le 21-12-2010 à 14:17:44 (S | E)
Hello, here are some suggestions:

We live in a world where we have to resist to (the definite article here) temptation of consumption. Indeed, since we were born, we tirelessly think of buying! This is a consumer habit and companies try to encourage us to splash out (je ne comprend pas splash out) and to make our purses suffer or should we say, our parents' purses suffer. As a teenager, how difficult it is (invert) to resist to (we don't say "resist to"- resist the, or resist this, temptation?

Children and teenagers are known to be awkward. We always need the new pair of converse, (proper nouns are capitalized) the new Diesel jeans (in English we use the plural for this) and that's not all...! Yet, it is not always beyond our control! Indeed, I agree wholeheartedly with the fact that It is because of temptation that we are attracted by new items. Today, teens are watching TV, surfing on (add the definite article) Internet, reading magazines...Therefore, they are confronted with advertisements, the first source of temptation. The commercial advertisements make millions of money (money is uncountable) because of consumer ignorance in the item. Furthermore, they know how to attract its teens audience for their product. For instance, they use celebrities as muses (not a commonly used word). By the way, a teenage boy would buy a pink spot pyjama just because Eva Mendes appears in the ad of it. Conversely, a teenage girl will buy a Nespresso machine just because she can't resist to the famous Geroge Cloney's “What else?”. Moreover, when they are watching a famous celebrity put some fashionable clothing on, teens automatically believe that (pas necessaire) these clothes will look good on them and so they go and buy it. They want to look like celebrities. When the commercial advertisements does (third person plural) not use famous people, they use their brands' name and try to convince teenagers to buy items because they sell a meaning for life, a set of values. For example, the Nike commercial which logically shows a sporty men sweating and accesorily (this isn't a word - I think ) wearing Nike shoes, shows at the end of the ad, a sentence which makes a deep impression on us: “Just do it”. That's why we can see that advertisers are the mind manipulators for teenage consumers . But why are we victims of consumption?
Even the most superficial look at this issue raises fundamental answers (raises answers or questions??) about it. We are everywhere confronted to (confronted by or with) items, brands... For instance, at Christmas time, all malls decorate their entrance with toys, toys, and...toys again which is quite normal. But, we can see that sometimes, these toys don't move and stay at the entrance mall for months! It forces parents to do (faire a deux traductions - utilise l'autre) two choices: either they leave children at home, or either they give in and go on a buying spree to (add the article) children's delight! In this way, parents are implicated in (add the def article)consumption temptation because they can't say no facing to their children. (this is awkward - I'm not sure what to suggest.)

-------------------
Modifié par dsmith le 21-12-2010 14:26





Réponse: Correction/ devoir d'anglais de dsmith, postée le 21-12-2010 à 14:25:54 (S | E)
They can't resist to them making puppy eyes. I am not the kind of person who coaxes (mieux: badgers, nags, harrasses - did I spell it right? , pesters) my parents ( except for extreme urgency!) but personally, I think that they encourage us to give in to temptation because they can't refuse our wishes.
Speaking personally, I try to be a thrifty teenage girl because I am conscious that we don't need all things in the world. Nevertheless, the less I want, the more my parents buy! I will finish this essay quoting Gandhi: “There is enough on earth for everybody’s need, but not for everyone’s greed."

Excellent - I'm not sure my 16 year old daughter could write an essay like that in English




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