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Internet/ solitude

Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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Internet/ solitude
Message de slopezj posté le 09-11-2014 à 03:27:57 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous
j'ai écrit ce petit texte et j'aimerais que vous m'aidiez à le corriger s'il vous plait.
Merci d'avance pour votre aide et votre lecture. Julie.

“Connected but alone “

The controversy over communication tools is a very sensitive subject. Indeed, nowadays those tools which were supposed to facilitate communication, are systematically blamed for having destroyed them. What a paradox.
Sherry Turkle, known for her post as a professor at the MIT (Massachusetts institute of technology), gives us her opinion on the matter.

As a first step, it is important to underline that one of the essential elements of her speech, that could summarize her thought is: “Communication tools are a scourge for the human’s conversations and relationships.”

In fact, it would appear that individuals have chosen “connection instead of conversation”. It is obviously vital that while they are connected, people can have some forms of conversations with others. Notwithstanding, the concept of “conversation” has a number of considerations that come into play. Obviously, we are referring here to: eye contact, speech capabilities, human contact…
Those elements are used simultaneously and instantaneously, accordingly they are inevitably, at least most of the time, out of control.
This line of argument over “control” must be taken into consideration. When you are interacting with someone: “You can’t control what you’re going to say.” This statement titillated our curiosity.
Sherry Turkle explains that when you are speaking through a communication tools you can re-write, erase, and shape your message… Those are the factors which give the impression of “control”.
To some extent, it is truthful. Nonetheless, several affairs on internet show us that we do not really control the information we are sharing. Platforms of virtual exchange, present various risks, similar as those in real life in conversations (rumors, misrepresentation, erroneous interpretation...).
In a second part, it would be interesting to discuss how this concept of “control”, leads people to: “[…] expect more from technologies and less from each other…”
This statement is relevant in S. Turkle’s thesis.
By feeling this “power”, users blindly deduce they have nothing more to receive from human’s relationship that couldn’t be given with a phone, a computer, a robot…
There is a common understanding that communication tools can help persons who are undergoing serious personality problems (anti-social behaviour, shyness…).
Furthermore, pay carefully attention to all the activities that can be done with your phone or your laptop computer. These machines could squeezed out of the market the human labor force.
Therefrom, this underlines why we overemphasize the power of communication tools, and why we do not look toward others. Users do not burden themselves anymore with trivial matters, behind the screen everything is permitted.

To complete our analysis, we will now process two quotations.
“It is time to talk”, past analysis established that the civilisation banished “human contact”. We must disconnect ourselves from the virtual space and reconnect it to the real one. Savoured, facial expressions, body postures. The panting breath of each individual. Get to know “Face to face relationship”, which are intellectually stimulating.
S.Turkle’s offers us her testimony, her knowledge and experience to illustrate the concept of: “Alone together”. A succinct and great analysis which highlighted an epidemic issue in our society.
Nevertheless, the purpose of her study needs to be attenuated. Communication tools, social networks… enable us to get in touch with the whole world.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 09-11-2014 08:44


Réponse: Internet/ solitude de here4u, postée le 11-11-2014 à 15:10:37 (S | E)
Hello ! un 'petit texte' ... you're kidding !
Il est tellement long que je vais m'y attaquer par morceaux ... I start !
blue = wrong
xxxxx = clumsy
XXX missing elements (letters or words)
green = suggestions

“Connected but alone “

The controversy over communication tools is a very sensitive subject. Indeed, nowadays those tools which were supposed to facilitate communication, are systematically blamed for having destroyed them. What a paradox. !
Sherry Turkle, known for her post as a professor at the MIT (Massachusetts institute of technology), gives us her opinion on the matter.

As a first step, it is important to underline that one of the essential elements of her speech, that could summarize her thought is: “Communication tools are a scourge for the human's conversations and relationships.”

In fact, it would appear that individuals have chosen “connection instead of conversation”. It is obviously vital that while they are connected, people can have some forms of conversations with others. Notwithstanding, the concept of “conversation” has a number of considerations that come into play. Obviously, we are referring here to: eye contact, speech capabilities, human contact…(body language too )Those elements are used simultaneously and instantaneously, accordingly they are inevitably, at least most of the time, out of control.(are they ? you can work on that, can't you ?))
This line of argument over “control” must be taken into consideration. When you are interacting with someone: “You can’t control what you’re going to say.”(??? can't you ?!) This statement titillated(challenged ? stimulated?) our curiosity.

I'll go on later ...Try to correct in the meantime ...



Réponse: Internet/ solitude de here4u, postée le 11-11-2014 à 16:39:12 (S | E)
Hello again !

Sherry Turkle explains that when you are speaking through a communication tools you can re-write, erase, and shape your message… Those are the factors which give the impression of “control”.
To some extent, it is truthful. Nonetheless, several affairs on XXX Internet show us that we do not really control the information we are sharing. Platforms of virtual exchangeS? present various risks, similar as those in real life in conversations (rumors, misrepresentation, erroneous interpretation...).
In a second part, it would be interesting to discuss how this concept of “control”, leads people to: “[…] expect more from technologies and less from each other…” (explain by rephrasing ...)
This statement is relevant in S. Turkle’s thesis.
By feeling this “power”, users blindly deduce they have nothing more to receive from human’s relationship that couldn’t be given with a phone, a computer, a robot…
There is a common understanding that communication tools can help persons who are undergoing serious personality problems (anti-social behaviour, shyness…).





Réponse: Internet/ solitude de slopezj, postée le 11-11-2014 à 23:04:51 (S | E)
Hi ! Merci pour ce premier rendu !
d'avoir pris le temps de faire tout ce gros travail !
J'ai corrigé les fautes :
Voici les corrections que j'ai apportées, les fautes en bleu, les corrections en noir.

systematically blamed for having destroyed them : Systematically blamed because they actually destroy them.
known for her post as a professor : Known for her job as a professor
Communication tools are a scourge for the human's conversations and relationships : communication tools are a scourge of conversations and human relations.
the concept of “conversation” has a number of considerations that come into play : the concept of " conversation " has a number of considerations that should be taken into account
several affairs on XXX Internet : several problems on the Internet
(rumors, misrepresentation, erroneous interpretation...) : Ici je ne vois pas :/ je pensais rajouter un s ?
they have nothing more to receive from human’s relationship that couldn’t be given with a phone : They have nothing more to receive from human relations that cannot be given with a phone

ps : je prends également en note les interventions concernant le contenu ;)
Merci pour tout je sais que c'est très long et que ça demande du temps =)
Merci.
Julie.

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 11-11-2014 23:33
Pas de rouge sur les forums, merci.



Réponse: Internet/ solitude de slopezj, postée le 12-11-2014 à 23:19:40 (S | E)
Bonsoir,

j'ai essayé de corriger la suite au mieux; je dois rendre ça pour demain j'espère que quelqu'un y jettera un coup d’œil avant..
Merci encore !

Sherry Turkle explains that when you are speaking through a communication tool you can re-write, erase, and shape your message… These are the factors which give the impression of “control”.
To some extent, it is truthful. Nonetheless, several problems on the Internet show us that we do not really control the information we are sharing. Platforms of virtual exchanges, present various risks, similar to those in real life in conversations (rumors, misrepresentations, erroneous interpretations...).
In a second part, it would be interesting to discuss how this concept of “control”, leads people to: “[…] expect more from technologies and less from each other…”
This statement is relevant in S. Turkle’s thesis.
When they feel this “power”, users blindly deduce they have nothing more to receive from human relations which cannot be given with a phone, a computer, a robot…
There is a common understanding on communication tools saying that they can help people who are undergoing serious personality problems (anti-social behaviour, shyness…).
Furthermore, pay carefully attention to all the activities which can be done with your phone or your laptop computer. These machines could squeeze out from the market the human labor force.
Therefrom, it underlines why we overemphasize the power of communication tools, and why we do not look toward others. As a result of this tremendous flexibility of communication, users do not burden themselves with trivial matters, behind the screen everything is permitted.

To complete our analysis, we will now process two quotations.
“It is time to talk”, past analysis established that the civilisation banished “human contact”. We must disconnect ourselves from the virtual space and reconnect it to the real one. Savoured facial expressions, body postures. The panting breath of each individual. Get to know “Face to face relationship”, which are intellectually stimulating.
S.Turkle’s offers us her testimony, her knowledge and experience to illustrate the concept of: “Alone together”. A succinct and great analysis which highlight an epidemic issue in our society.
Nevertheless, the purpose of her study needs to be attenuated. Communication tools, social networks… enable us to get in touch with the whole world.



Réponse: Internet/ solitude de here4u, postée le 12-11-2014 à 23:42:03 (S | E)
Hello

systematically blamed for having destroyed them : Systematically blamed because they actually destroy them. : for destroying serait OK !
known for her post as a professor : Known for her jobposition as a Professor
Communication tools are a scourge for the human XXXXXX 's conversations and relationships : communication tools are a scourge of conversations and human relations.(human beings' ...)
the concept of “conversation” has a number of considerations that come into play : the concept of " conversation " has a number of considerations that should be taken into account OK
several affairs on XXX Internet : several problems on the Internet OK
(rumors, misrepresentation, erroneous interpretation..) : Ici je ne vois pas :/ je pensais rajouter un s ? 2S!
they have nothing more to receive from human’s relationship that couldn’t be given with a phone : They have nothing more to receive from human relations that cannot be given with a phone (not still sure I understand what you mean !





Réponse: Internet/ solitude de here4u, postée le 12-11-2014 à 23:57:38 (S | E)
hello again !

Sherry Turkle explains that when you are speaking through 'a communication tool' you can re-write, erase, and shape your message… These are the factors which give the impression of “control”.
To some extent, it is truthful. Nonetheless, several problems on the Internet show us that we do not really control the information we are sharing. Platforms of virtual exchanges, present various risks, similar to those in real life in conversations (rumors, misrepresentations, erroneous interpretations...).
In a second part, it would be interesting to discuss how this concept of “control”, leads people to: “[…] expect more from technologies and less from each other…”
This statement is relevant in S. Turkle’s thesis.
When they feel this “power”, users blindly deduce they have nothing more to receive from human relations which cannot be given with a phone, a computer, a robot…(not sure I understand ...)
There is a common understanding on communication tools saying that they can help people who are undergoing serious personality problems (anti-social behaviour, shyness…).
Furthermore, pay carefully attention to all the activities which can be done with your phone or your laptop computer. These machines could squeeze out from the market the human labor force. (word order)

Therefrom, it underlines why we overemphasize the power of communication tools, and why we do not look toward others.(other people ?) As a result of this tremendous flexibility of communication, users do not burden themselves with trivial matters, behind the screen everything is permitted.

To complete our analysis, we will now process two quotations.
“It is time to talk”, past analysis established that the civilisation banished “human contact”. We must disconnect ourselves from the virtual space and reconnect it to the real one. Savoured facial expressions, body postures. The panting breath of each individual. Get to know “Face to face relationship”, which are intellectually stimulating.(Dans ce paragraphe,à partir de 'we must disconnect ...' qui ne sont pas de vraies phrases, la pontuation est à revoir .)
S.Turkle’s offers us her testimony, her knowledge and experience to illustrate the concept of: “Alone together”. A succinct and great analysis which highlight an epidemic ?? issue in our society.
Nevertheless, the purpose of her study needs to be attenuated. Communication tools, social networks… enable us to get in touch with the whole world.
I'd say that the 'discussion' is much too short ... Do you have to do one ? If so ... do it !

-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 13-11-2014 08:27
Bug couleur réparé



Réponse: Internet/ solitude de melmoth, postée le 13-11-2014 à 00:27:43 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Bravo pour le texte, et pour le superbe travail d'amélioration. Il y a encore un point qui me fait tiquer : " known for her position as a Professor at the MIT" me semble bizarre, cette personne n'est pas connue pour son poste (ou alors, c'est presque insultant... cela voudrait dire qu'elle ne le mérite pas ?),
il me semblerait bien plus naturel de dire "known as a Professor at the MIT", ou peut-être simplement Professor at the MIT (l'institut en question étant suffisemment prestigieux pour assurer la notoriété de ses professeurs), ou encore, well-known MIT Professor si la notoriété de cette personne va au-dela de celle d'un professeur lambda du MIT... Bien à vous.



Réponse: Internet/ solitude de slopezj, postée le 13-11-2014 à 17:06:21 (S | E)
Bonjour,

merci à tous pour votre contribution

j'ai remplacé " attenuated " par needs some additions

J'ai ajouté plus de " discussion " et d'avis personnels sur la question !
J'ai posté beaucoup de textes sur le site de ce que vous avez pu voir avez-vous noté une certaine progression ?
J'habite actuellement au canada et j'essaie de m'améliorer en anglais je suis inscrite à un cours qui m'aide !

j'attends vos impressions encore merci pour votre aide ;)
Bien à vous
Julie.




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